Why am I here?

Listening to: Maroon Five-She will be loved
Feeling: Sleepy and yuckyuckyuckky~

Ugh, why am I here even today? Yawn~ It is a Saturday and tomorrow is the company trip to Cherating, here I am working again. Had beens taying back the past couple of days and I am starting to feel as though I live here. I should bring my sleeping bag, toothbrush, the works here. So sucky. 'Nuff bitchings

Listening to: Frou Frou-Breathe in

Was a long yet short week. Felt as though mornings melted into nights and the week was one very long and fucked up day. Hitler was not around so I had to take care of so many things alone. Late late nights in the office, 3 hour sleep, too much coffee and cigarettes will only lead to death, now I know. I have eyebags from hell and pimples are coming, I can hear them calling and trying to pop out. Man I need some sleep. ugh... Still waiting for my designer to come and he says that he has to leave at 1. It is already 1142am. Guess he won't be coming anyway~ =_=;

The Monday Pinks

Listening to: M-Flo - Love Bug
Feeling: Monday Pinks

It issss, it is Monday. My fave day of the week, because it is the beginning of the end.. hohoho. I am feeling the Monday Pinks, incase you're wondering what in the world that means, it means that I am not feeling the blues. In short, I am haaaaapyyyy~. Partly because my boss is not around. Another is because in two short weeks, we will be going for our company trip in Cherating. Yay~ because that trip is what that is keeping me alive for now. So sick of work and the neverending deadlines. One goes and another one comes. What's this? Groundhog Day? Thank god that I am so the in love with this job, if not I would have dropped dead and died.

Ohh.. This is a good Monday, I can feel it in the air the moment I woke up. And good it was.. traffic lights were all green and I zoomed pass, slightly late for work, but still ok. The sandwich I bought was fresh and yummy, got to the office, ok.. no fuck ups so far. Turned on hotmail.com and got an email from Rina!!! She just got herself hitched. OK.. not hitched as in married, but got herself a man. Hahah.. I was laughing to myself when I was reading that... Ohman... people in the office must be thinking that I am mad or something. I want to announce this to the world.. It is good news. Called Nic but he's not picking up the phone. Must be asleep still that boy...

Anyway, the Monday Pinks is getting to me.. I need more coffee.. I need to pop out to buy lunch later... oh well.. *throws confetti all round* yay yay yay~ Hiphip Hurrah~

Being Here nor There

Mood: Blank
Music: Frou Frou - Breathe in

What's wrong with the world today? The question that everyone asks. It's as if we are just sitting here, waiting for something to happen. It saddens me when I see a girl walking alone, clutching her bag to the side far from the road, eyeing every motorbike that passes her suspiciously. First thing that would come across my mind would be, she must have been robbed, at least once.

Wouldn't it be great to be in a world where violence and hate doesn't exist? I could already hear people saying 'Yeah!'. I am wishing for that too.. Now all we need to know is who's making the first step?

No Big C After all

To all people who actually reads my blog. I had went to this website http://www.breastcancer.org/ and realized that the stupid lump was something that I shouldn't be worried even in the first place. It says that 70 something percent of lumps found on breast are benign. I am good. Life's good. God's in His heaven, all's good... I should be going for a check tho.. thanks G... Will do that sometime soon!

The Big C

Listening to: Mariah Carey-It's like that
Feeling: Scared, Lost and Confused

So yeah, it was weird, but about two weeks ago I found a scab on my right breast and I was pretty scared because first thing that hit me was those scary ass pictures circulating on email about breast cancer. Then, I thought about what I would do if I would really get the big C. Would I or would I not go for chemo and would I have a mammogram. Would I? I said no then, but then after this morning, I think I would.

I was pretty obsessed over the scab (which finally healed after a week or so) and I told Gem, Nic and a colleague of mine. Gem asked her mom and her mom told her that if the scab has discharge I should see the doctor right there and then. Which to tell the thruth, there is. I am freaked. Though I didn't show, I was totally freaked.

This morning, I was examining the scab again and I was feeling for lumps, which I didn't find in the past and suddenly I thought I felt something that wasn't there a few days ago. Maybe it was a figment of my imagination or maybe it was because I am about to have my period but realization hit me like a ton of bricks. And for the first time in my life, I felt so scared and helpless, I was shaking. I could swear my life flashed before my eyes, and I thought you only feel things like this when you are about to die. I felt frustration, sadness, sudden loneliness and such helplessness. All I could think of was, why me? And I was not even sure that I have it.

It was the longest 3 minutes of my life. I thought of my job which I love, things I am supposed to do, people I was supposed to meet and friends I love and finally, my family. What about them? Would I live long enough to see my brothers have kids? Or am I gonna live long enough to get married or see most of my friends getting married. Or save enough money for my sister's education. Not that I know for a fact that I have it, but just the thought of I COULD get it. I shudder thinking of it now.

Should I go for a checkup? I am afraid of the answer that I might receive. Maybe I should just live my life as it is and not going for the god damned checkup and if I really do die, let it be quick. I am pledging my organs again, because the last time I did, I didn't recieve the organ donor's card.

But just in case I do die anytime soon, I want everyone to know that I love them very much.

Word-up

Intermediate

You scored 93% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 68% Advanced, and 72% Expert!
You have a good understanding of beginner and intermediate level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of the beginner and intermediate level questions correct. This is a good score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got a respectable score.
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 33% on Beginner
You scored higher than 30% on Intermediate
You scored higher than 5% on Advanced
You scored higher than 58% on Expert

On thoughts that are not important

It's been so long since I had an entry for this. Maybe it was because I do not have much problems with things I often thought I had.

Now that I am sitting here again, typing the story of my life out for non-existant audiences. But it feels good, it actually feels good that things are out of my mind, thoughts flowing into fingers and fingers onto the keyboard to this anonymous space where no one knows me.

News from abroad had been bad. Not coming back, might be staying on.. things like that. Not something very happy when all you were thinking about was how exciting things will be when this year and a certain month arrives. Oh well.. I know what G means when she says 'You do know that he doesn't feel the same way about you right?' Because I had been telling a few people about this too and I am totally ignorant about it. Or maybe I just didn't want to accept the fact. Maybe. Definitely. Ohwell..

So what? So what? Questions run through my mind and hits the side of my brain with a loud thud. Things never really had worked out for me in a long long time and maybe just one fine day, hopefully, with fingers crossed thing could finally work out the way I would want it to be.

Starting to sound selfish here. Things should always be my way. Of course. I am only human. Selfish little human me says, ' Come back you fool! Even though you'd be here, so near yet so far, come back..'

Wishing you were somehow here again...

I am sitting my ass down at home on a Sunday afternoon all alone except for the net, ciggies and sappy love songs for company. And wishing he was somehow here again. It is after all February and it would be a few more months till it is a full circle and he would be back here again.

I am wishing he is here so that I could: -

1. Pick up from where we have left off
2. Fracture my fingers from SMS-ing him
3. See his silly face
4. Go paint the town red
5. Listen to his silly voice
6. Bitch to him
7. To see if we could really be what we used to be

And then I thought, so that's all? And just that? I want more than that.. But guess what I want does not nesessaryly be what I get. Guess having him around would be the same as now.. so near yet so far.

Just feeling melanchonic and sap filled by the songs I am listening to. No one to talk to and thinking too much. Too much uncertainty in this thing called life. Wishing you are somehow here again now.. At least I'd feel less empty, even if I cant have you...

Morbid and all.. Yi Hwa

Timeout

Listening to: Ryan Cabrera - True

It's lunchtime in Bluinc and I'm sitting at my desk, trying to think straight. Pretty much failing. Am too sleepy. T-T *mental note to self - sleep earlier tonight*

So tummy's growling now.. gonna go buy food, come back and then continue my bitchings

Starting Anew...

Listening to: LeAnn Rimes Xmas Album
Where: Sitting me ass in the office

My, my I am feeling Xmassy today.. Went for the Quiksilver Surfpool Challenge. It was a bore. A few lengchais but darnit, they are so totally full of themselves. So excused meself and went Xmas shopping abit in Sunway Pyramid. Blew a hundred or so bucks there.. And I jst kept buying buying buying (like that BEP song) So yeah.. that was my Sunday and here I am in the office, finished what I was supposed to do but just wanna jot my day down before I leave for home and dinner.

It has been some time since I've updated my blog. Not cause I was lazy, but cause I was busy. So gonna go tru everything that had happened. Well.. actually, to think about it nothing much had been happening in my life. Maybe that is why I feel so restless..

Since my last entry, I had been thinking loads about life and about waiting for the right person. The same old same old. Work has been great. I actually look forward to come to work, weird huh? Maybe one of the reasons why is cuz I look forward to see someone here. Hah... Jay is a great guy, not that he has anything for me but I am comfy hanging out with him. Hahah... Does this mean I'm tripping over him? (as Gem would say) I dunno... maybe I am. But it feels as though it is a never ending story.. and guess what? It has not even ended and it is starting already. GodDamnit...

Maybe not.. For the moment, the feeling is mild. The feeling of falling is actually good, but I know the ending and it is shit. /swt. But it's weird in the sense that I know how it would end but I am still going into that blackhole? OHNO...

And about the waiting, I am still waiting.. I am just not sure what will happen when the wait is over and he is back. Not that anything will happen, but I guess maybe even our friendship will not be as before. I can feel it. Really.. sometimes when I talk to him he gives me one word answers. Good in the sense that I could forget him easier than before bad in the sense that if this goes on, whatever little bit of thing I had with him would turn to nothingness. I am confused. So what should I do now?

Seeing you, Missing you

Saw someone who looked like HIM the other day, and all of a sudden, I felt.. *ok, it was silly* but I felt like I miss him, LOTS. It was unnecessary, but yeah. Now that the situation has changed and I might not be able to see him till much later, I was sad. Very.

I am confused in a way. Because really, I thought I was kinda over him at a stage. Suddenly the feeling just rushed in and I am overwhelmed. Really, if I had one wish, I would wish that this feeling would go away. I never knew that loving someone would be so painful.. Take it away!

Something's wrong

Honestly if you ask me what's wrong, I do not know... I just feel something's wrong I do not really know what the hell it is.. I am in love with my job, Sarah's got her job, person that matters the most to me is showing me love (I think..) and yeah, I am at peace with myself.

Sometimes it's scary to think that I feel this way when everything's going on fine. Seems to me that I feel better when I am in hot soup or something. Maybe it's the period thing coming on or something...

Or not... hmm maybe I am jst feeling very confused. Cause person tht matters the most is treating me very nice. Just when I feel that I might let go, I feel something warm. hah... yeah I do.. I am SUCH a bloody pinhead. Sometimes I feel that I should just make sure that he hates me before I can let go.. I know for a bloody fact that me and him, no chance. Why am I still holding on to this. I dare not let go. Doesn't help when my tarots says that me and him will end up good and in the end my wish will come true.

It really hurts to think back now and see how stupid I am to feel so damn happy when I know that I am just hiding myself from the truth. I feel stupid. Smiling to myself while driving, eating or even when sleeping. I do not dare to believe what the cards say, but secretly I wish and hope that it comes true. hahah stupidity.

And on his side, doesn't really help that he treats me great. I've said this so many times, sigh... and I'm still not letting go. Sometimes I would rant about issues of love and he would give me advice and ... I dunno.. I sometimes feel like it is somehow directed to me as well as the subject of my rantings. 'Why can't she just let it go?' This scares me the most because it sounds like a call for me to stop it and he telling me that no way in a thousand years. It scares me... Because I wish and hope that the future would somehow turn out to be like how it is on the cards...

The Feeling's Mutual

Well, yesterday I sorta had a spat with him. Not about anything in particular, but just that I hated his guts for thinking that whatever I had said were just jokes. Somehow he made me feel as though whatever that had transended between us was just something that happened to amuse him throughout his holidays back here.

Honestly, if that is what he think.. damnit! Can't do anything now. I only can say that I am stupid to would have actually fallen for that.

To think of it, I never really told him how I felt about the whole incident. I know I shouldn't hold on to this and make it seem as though it is something important or someone died or something, but well, I can't help it that I think about things like this whenever I'm driving or whenever I have nothing to do. I would wonder actually, what would happen if I had not confronted him about it that day. Would he still had dragged this on? Thank goodness I did confront him actually...

So yeah, yesterday I was pretty cheesed off with him and finally spilled my guts.

'It seems like everything you've said was a joke and you've never ever taken anything seriously. Have you ever thought of what other people would feel? Obviously not. Give it a thought.'

It jst flowed out of my fingers when I typed that. That was me spilling my guts out after a few months of keeping it inside me. Previously I was afraid to bring this topic out for the fear of him thinking that I am still pining over him. Suddenly I have no patience for him anymore.. and really.. the feeling's mutual. And oh~ does it feel good after sending that sms off... Like a burden taken off my shoulders.

I won't hold anything against him, now that this burden is off my shoulders. And to think back, I was the one who was thinking if I was serious in this or not.. Now I wonder if he was serious or not. If he was, the feeling's mutual. And now that it has came to this stage, yeah, the feeling's also mutual.

People make mistakes, but why make them when you already do beforehand that it would be a mistake?

Winter Sonata Marathon

Mission - To finish Winter Sonata in 2 days (over the weekend)

Episodes to Finish - 15
Start time/date - 03 Oct 2004, 12.30am
Finish time/date - 04 Oct 2004 3.00am (estimated)
Total time - 26hours (should be 15++ hours cuz 1 episode is like 1 hour)

Amount of Food consumed - 2 packets of Instant Noodles, 1 pack of chips, 3 litres of water and 1 can of coffee
Amount of Cigs to help me stay awake - Half a pack

Tissues used - 1 pack
Amount of tears Cried - About (give/take) 2 bucket full
Hours of Sleep - (give/take) 5 Hours


fuh~ *wipes sweat* Am about to finish Winter Sonata here.. Will be continuing once I finish writing this blog on what I think about this show. Damn.. I was so determined to finish it before this weeked is over because I do not want to let my mind wander during working hours, thinking what will happen next.

So, Winter Sonata you might wonder, it was shown on national TV a year or two back, why the Winter fever now? hmmm.. I dunno hahehae but I was always a non-conformist. Plus, why watch it day by day when you can watch everything at one go? hahah That's what I think. Big thanks to Tania for her boxset =_=; I would cry if I would need to wait and watch it episode by episode.

Well, watching this show makes me think of only one thing... if true love would be so hard to obtain, I might just consider a future alone. Seriously. Yeah, I know it's dramatised in the series and all, but then to come to think of it, love does work that way. In a sick, twisted sort of way. When you think that love is working fine for you and all, it just sort of shits on you.

Makes me wonder, why would someone hurt another person in the name of love? (or God for that matter)

I have wondered as well, how would you know that you are in love with someone and how sure are you? I have once said, 'I go to sleep and I think of him, I wake up, I think of him, wondering if he is awake. When I am having my lunch, I wonder, if he is having his as well. I think about him when I see something he would have liked. And when I think of him, I smile.' Is that love?

For the uninitiated, I would have sounded like a stalker =_=; But, oh well, I am not. I just feel a lot for this certain someone.

In dramas like these, all will end well, people do not need to work. People in love eat in expensive restaurants that are obviously too expensive to eat in on a daily basis with the pay that they are getting. They fight and make up on the same day, they drive to scenic places during working hours and after hours of work, they still looked like they have just came out from the showers. (read, beautifully done hair and non stained clothes) They always have suitable type of music in the restaurant that they have dinner in. (When it is a sad conversation, the piped music will suddenly be a sad song like 'Without You' or something)

I would have to confess that after watching the whole set of Winter Sonata, I suddenly wondered that if there is perfect love like that. Is there perfect love like that? Are there people who would be willing to sacrifice so much for love? Everything is a question here. And I do not expect it to be answered....

Why are we waiting?

Me & Speed Dial No.6 were chatting today, and the subject on 'waiting' came about. Should we wait or should we not wait? Well, waiting as in waiting for our other half... And, also in the same time, is he/she worth the wait?

He came up with the theory saying that waiting wastes time. After all, we only have that many years in our life to waste. I kind of agree, but then again there are cases where the wait will test your relationship and if it pulls tru, this relationship would last.

In my honest opinion, waiting or not, it's a personal choice because in the end, if you look back and think that the wait was worth your while, that is all that matters. But if this is a blind wait (i.e. still pining for your crappy ex and/or loving that guy you know in high school but he doesn't even know of your existance) do not, after like 5 years, blame the other person for your time wasted.I think it all boils down to yourself when you have made that decision to wait. No one held a knife to your throat and said 'WAIT!!'

Me myself and I, I do not mind waiting. Doesn't matter if I've spent a few years of my life waiting. For now I think waiting for that one moment is definately worth the time spent. It's my choice. Doesn't matter that nothing happens.

It really doesn't matter at all, for I know that nothing will ever happen...

Can't sleep, there are no dreams

I can't sleep... There are no dreams..

Only dreams I get are empty ones.. Well..empty ones are the kind you know you've dreamt of repeatively but you can't remember them at all.. Now that is the scary part... Dreams I thought I had but can't remember.

Song playing in my head right now is Mariah Carey's Breakdown. And darnit.. that Winter Sonata song.. whatssit called? Think it's.. 'From the beginning till now' or something.. (literally translated from Mandarin tho..)Sigh... the Breakdown song, I so can relate to now... Well.. can say from 3 years back.

'So what you do when, somebody you're so devoted to, suddenly just stops loving you, and it seems like they havent got a clue, of the pain and rejection is putting you tru...'

hahha I'm so drama. But what the hell.. Life's more fun with more drama.

Sigh.I feel like I am in a rut. And I cant get out. No one is here to help me. (not literally... not that my friends don't help me out. No one except myself can help myself out I think..) I definately need to let go of some things of the past. If not I won't go forward... T-T

Back to my empty dreams.......

Who are you to say?

Who is Moo to say the things he had said? I mean, now that he is on the other side and I feel like the victim, he is not saying the incredibly 'holy' things that he had said previously.

I am so angry. So disappointed.

Who is he to question 'Trust'?
Who is he to question 'Friendship'?
Who is he to question 'Love'?
Who is he to question me?
Who is he to say that he had betrayed?


He had once said that what the other girl did was wrong as they were just weeks since they broke up and she got together with someone. He had said that he would never trust the guy ever again. And then we happened. And I tried my very hardest to reconcile them. He rebuffed me every single time, saying that I do not understand how he feels. I admited to him at that time I really do NOT understand the feeling of betrayal. But what do you know... now I do know how betrayal feels and it feels like shit.

For he is now courting someone else.

I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me, it does because, I am acknowledging this.. I cannot lose. I cannot stand to lose and in this case, not so much on the times that we had together... but it's the very thought that he had indeed lied and made me think that for the first time in my life I am loved.

I know I am evil but somehow I've actually looked into his cell and saw a name that kept appearing in his sms inbox. And with not hesitation at all... I opened the inbox and saw smses with words that he had directed to me once upon a time.

I am angry.. I do feel very very much ANGRY~

He had cheated me of my firsts. The end had to come too soon. I thought to myself, if nothing would have happened, I won't feel this way about him at all. I get moody around him. I dunno why.. Sigh. I can't hate him, he's my friend. Sigh.. Sometimes I wonder, why am I being so 'tai foong' when I can be super nasty and just ignore him? What am I trying to prove to myself, I sometimes ask...

Why am I here?

The Perfect Girl in the Perfect World

A perfect girl in a perfect world, would have the perfect symmetrical face, perfect grades, perfect family, perfect attitude, perfect body and everything perfect perfect.

I am sorry but I am not the perfect girl, neither is he the perfect guy. So if he would think that he would deserve another person other than me cause I am not perfect, I would say, FUCK OFF.

I am perfectly unperfect. When I one day find someone who would love me perfectly, for the unperfect me, it would be a perfect happy ending.

Please do not look at me through rose tinted glass. I am not perfect. Never wanted to be... Imperfection is what that makes me beautiful.

Looking out for each other

It was an eventful day today... Joined my new colleagues for lunch and had a tour of the new office that I will be working in from next Monday onwards....

People there are OK (well, first impression) and they seemed to be friendly. Well, let's hope they stay that way..

Went home after that.. went online for a bit... chatted with Speed Dial No.6 and after that, napped for abit... Finally I can sleep at night. Maybe it was the stress of me finding a job being off my shoulders. :) Am so damned glad that I am gonna be OK. Big thanks and hugs go to people who were there for me throughout this whole ordeal. Think without them, I would still be floundering around..

Well... after that, went for yamcha but before that, me and Gem had 'tong sui' somewhere near Sarah's place. Actually, had a talk with Gem about Sarah's joblessness. It's been 2 years and all... but she had yet found a job. After finishing our dessert, we went to pick Sarah up. On the way to Central Perk, I tried to drop subtle hints on how to get jobs and where abouts with vacancy. By the sound of her reply, she is not very pleased that we are AGAIN touching on this topic. So me and Gem just let the topic drop tru...

I am pretty amazed by how she can actually keep afloat throughout this two years without a job. We had tried to advice her but she would tell us that she wants a place where there is public transport (as she doesn't have a car) and it is not too far etc etc... I understand her situation, but then I would also think that with all these thinking and no action, when will she get a job?

I was also telling Gem about Speed Dial no.6 and PK's(my cousin) concern towards her work situation and Gem was surprised and touched that there are so many people caring about her. Actually, yeah, we look out for each other and I was too abit surprised that Speed Dial 6 asked me about Sarah. Maybe it was cause he wasn't as close as we are to Sarah. But yeah, it just felt nice to know that we do look out for each other...

:p discovered that I can connect to RO... Will be kicking some cute stuff's butt for now... Till I get more inspiration~

Oh JOY~

I so feel like jumping up and down~ Run round and hug everyone tightly... It's funny how just ONE phonecall can make you seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I've finally got an answer for the job that I was hoping to get and the answer was YES! And I didn't even need to go for the interview... :p

Was in One Utama at that time and I totally didn't expect it to be so sudden... The guy was like 'Can you start on Monday?' I was like 'Yeah!!' Was with Nicholle at that time and I guess she knew what happened by the look on my face!!! So.. hahha, to reward myself.. I bought the cute hairband that I thought was so cute but was abit pricey.. Wahey.. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do~ Yeah.. which is to reward herself when something good happens!!!!!

:) Feel like running bout and jumping up and down!!!!