It's been a long, long time

When was the last time I blogged?

Oh... more than half a year ago. I admit I'm a lazy bum. I still am but I have some time to kill so here I am.

Trust me, when you click clack on the keyboard almost 12 hours a day, the last thing you want to do is to click clack on the keyboard once again at the keyboard, regaling non-existent readers about your life.

But well, since I'm already here, here's what been happening...

I moved

Yes, we finally did. Home Sweet Home. Not that it all happened without any drama... Loads of blood sweat and tears. Mostly sweat and tears. Now we're kinda settled in. Furniture about 70% done, boxes mostly unpacked and we're gonna be hosting our house warming in about 2 weeks time. I bet there will be more tears coming from that one. Never knew moving can be so emotional.

I am still dating

Yes I am... Are we getting married? We try... Are we happy? At this moment, I am blissful.

I is Editor

Yes I is editor now. I can has power! Not really.. I am 'just the editor' according to the client. But I won't take heart because she has no idea what the publishing industry is like. I can has power again!

I am travelling... ALOT

I have been travelling like a mad horse this year. Not that I don't like it.... It's just that it's a little disruptive waking up in different hotels every two months once. I love my house (and pink room... did I mention I got the room of my dreams?) and I don't even get to spend enough time in it. Soon... soon! But it's for work... For leisure, I was in Japan (dream came true!) and Krabi and a few more other states in Malaysia... All I can say is, LOVING IT!

So far so good... Till the next time I update... This blog is not dead yet!

I promise...

For now...

Don't burn my fuse too short

Listening to: Eason Chen - 幸福摩天輪
Feeling: A little Emo-ed

So they tell me that a relationship is not a bed of roses. I know that from day one but I never expected it to be this hard.

Me being naively me, thought that all problems can be solved if we talk it out. Reality check! Doesn't work that way. Not that I'm having probs with The Boy but it's little things that makes things well, a relationship.

Being part of The Couple-dom makes me realise how hard it is for some to maintain a long-term relationship. Often both sides claim that they make the most sacrifice. Me? I just feel that I keep quiet when I'm annoyed or angry. Why? Cause it's easier to let him win. Or is it?

I can be the first to tell you that I am a person with a very short fuse. But I'm all loud sounds and then I'm OK within the next hour. OK, let me rewrite that. I have a short and hidden fuse. With friends, I have this amazing patience but with my family, I am a live wire. That's what Mom tells me.

I think that's the case with me and The Boy now. I am patiently letting him give me the Silent Treatment (for no reason) or the Naggy Treatment (what? I thought it was only me who gives the Naggy Treatment) because I know that he will get over it in a bit. This is how it works right?

Right?

Cause I think my fuse is getting shorter by the day. I'm just praying that my patience level is recharged before I hit his next 'emo' session. Because I might just blow. And when that happens, it's not gonna be pretty.

Thing is, we're not fighting. Nor are we in this relationship rut. What rut? It has only been two months and a half. I think I need more time to understand this funny little thing called Love.

P/S: Katy Perry's Hot & Cold is my anthem of the mo.

Back to where we have started...

Listening to: Zee Avi - First of the Gang
Feeling: Left behind

It has been almost half a year since I last blogged. It has been a whirlwind year, with the purchase of the house, change of jobs, weddings all year round, gym and Japanese classes. Though there had not been much freelance jobs, I feel I don't have much time for myself.

I have yet to welcome the arrival of Hayley, Cin and BK's second bundle of joy and the latest princess for me to dote upon. Caden is now all grown up, a natural heartbreaker, cute as a button and cool as ice. I feel so old typing this but yes, Caden is 1 year and 4 months old now. Really, time flies when you're having fun no?

I was thinking of giving up blogging (right) cause I just don't have much to write about. But really, what is life without drama right? There had been loads happening, it's just that it's just too petty to put it down in words. Nothing witty or funny happened. Until yesterday...

You see, it had been a year of weddings and reunions during the said weddings. Frankly, at the right old age of 27 (though many might disagree, thanks guys I love you too) and at the last count, nil relationships to my name, I am starting to worry.

Questions of "When was the last time did you actually feel a fluttering in your stomach when you meet someone new" arose. I mean, the last that happened was when I read Twilight and fell in love with Edward Cullen. And then when I read Matthew Reilly's Scarecrow stories. I mean, how fucking sad is that. And on top of ALL that, I get questions from all around. People can't comprehend the singledom that I have embraced. I couldn't too at times... I feel emotionally inept. It's a little strange and hard to explain cause I can't even explain it to myself...

And so after much contemplating and support, (thanks guys, you know who you are) I have finally decided to give in, to give it a try. Apparently, this one person who had once took a liking to me had waited. Hey, I have waited before and it's not something easy or pleasant. I felt bad. Extremely! But oh well, never too late. Waiter says that he waited, all alone...

And so I find out yesterday that waiter had lied. It's sad. I wonder how can I trust another guy after this. Not the first time, I don't think this will be the last as well. It's not that I liked this guy to begin with. I thought, let's give this a try. But fact is, he lied. And really, I am angry at myself yet again for being so naive...

Yes yes, this is boring stuff... Nothing juicy but something that bothered me more than I would ever admit. While writing this post, I checked out postsecret.blogspot.com...

Credits: Postsecrets.blogspot.com

I'm not feeling sorry for myself I promise but this is just too weird because this one secret sorta concludes how I feel about this whole situation that I myself don't really understand.

And here I am, back to square one...

Twilightitis

Listening to: Paramore - I caught myself
Feeling: OHNO-ish



Am reading the Twilight saga now and I wish I am 19 again. While age never really mattered to me, this stupid story (that I dearly love) made me wish I'm in college again. I feel so unhealthy!

It was scary when Seems & WP started obsessing about Twilight and all I could do was look at their emails and grimace, wondering if this two perfectly sane and sensible people have gone nuts. Having read the books, I totally understand why they went nuts, I'm standing at the brink of insanity too!

Edward is a gentlemen every straight girl (and not-so-straight guys) would want. Stephenie Meyer must have been looking for an Edward too when she wrote the Twilight saga.

I think the only reason why Twilight's sales skyrocketed because every hot blooded girl wants an Edward in their life! I mean, even all the obasans are going ga-ga over him. I never thought the name Edward could be hot, but now I'm thinking I should name my kid Edward. Tee hee...

When can I find my Edward?

Back to reading Eclipse (and downloading more Twilight related wallpaper)!

Edit: HOMYFUCKINGGAWD, he sings too!!!

Operation DHPW - Progress

Listening to: Thunder!
Feeling: Yay! It's raining!

Huzzah! It's raining!

And yes, I'm officially back to blogging again... Last year was a shameful year for my blog... With only a pathetic 42 post for the whole fucking year... I am gonna post more than that within the next few months I promise!

Anyways, reason being is... I feel like talking to myself more nowadays... If lappie behaves, I might be able to blog till Operation Dream House Pink Walls is completed! Then I am getting a desktop (hopefully a Mac T^T)

It's gonna be a good year I'm telling you. Came home today to a cheque I thought I would never get... And it's raining! Praise the Lord!

Checked ODHPW's website and found out that our future crib has walls now! Goodness!!! Another 10 months to completion!

*Pinches self to see if dreaming...*

OUCH!

Not dreaming!

Ah... off to bed!!!

Birthday snaps...

Listening to: Sandy Lam - Zhi Shao Hai You Ni
Feeling: Tired... I should be sleeping!


On my birthday, we were at Bijou... This was me trying to be artistic..


This is Ollie sharing a Berrylicious Chocolate Pavlova at Delicious with me...


This was the spread we had at Bonga with D, Panda, Jhan, Mamasan, Vnie, Eunice and Eleen... Yummers~

I forgot to snap some pics with Gem when we were out for our little celebration and mani pedi sessions but what the hey.. It's the memories that lasts... :D My little bday celebration in 3 quick snaps...

Now waiting for Jojo & Nini to upload the rest of the pictures!

Update Already!

Listening to: Utada Hikaru - Merry Xmas Mr. Lawrence - FYI
Feeling: Troubled

It's been such a long time since I've updated my blog. Many things happened like Operation Dream House Pink Walls being starting, went to Bangkok for the first time, started saving for Japan for real and changing jobs.

I know changing jobs at this point of time might seem silly because Bintang is of course a much more stable place, but I cannot take it anymore! It's just super complacent there. I do my work for the week and waiting for another assignment. I feel like I'm gonna be kicked out of the department at someone's whim.

Working on my gut feeling, I took on another job offer as a copywriter and left.

With three weeks of leave, I thought I can bum around but boy was I ever so wrong. With a few freelance jobs under my belt, I felt as thought I was doing more than I was at The Bintang. But it's extra income so I'm not complaining.

Been soul searching whenever I had free time. Not that I had much, but I did.

Realized that friends are not what they seem to be.

Realized that there is money to be earned everywhere but do you have the time and stamina to get them all?

Realized that one person's heaven is another person's hell.

And also, most importantly, what is money compared to having the time to spend with my godson?

This three week holiday did me good and without realizing it, I'm starting work this Monday. I am super glad I made some time to go swimming with baby Caden before Cin and family left for Australia.

That boy is gonna grow up to be a super heartbreaker!

I have yet another BFP shoot tomorrow. Hurt my leg during my Bukit Tabur climb (dramatic drumroll please) when I rolled down on the trek down. Will write about that later. It's 4.30 in the morning and I have to be at BU around 10am~!

Meanwhile, just wanna show off that I got 100% for my Japanese Beginner 1 exam!

More tomorrow~

Outside looking in

Popo, if you're looking in on us from above do know that we are not doing well. Do know that shit has hit the fan and do know that we are missing you.

Do know that we loved you all the way till the end and until now.

It's just that we don't show it but that doesn't mean we don't love you. I think you know too and I think you understand.

If they don't then it's ok but it hurts to know that they think you died alone. You did not. Like how you are with us now, we were with you.

Wait until when?

Do you know how it feels to know that someone is gone forever when you have always thought she will always be there waiting for you by the door?

she was waiting for us all the time...

I miss you popo. Rest in peace.

Happy Birthgay ogay...

Listening to: Landy Wen - Zhu Wo sheng Ri Kuai Le
Feeling: Tired & Tired

It's tiring to go through heartbreaks. Not my own, but others. Even though at most times we bystanders try not to get involved, it's inevitable that you're sucked into the middle of that nasty whirlpool of sadness.

Especially if it's someone you're close to. I guess when you're thinking of what to say (gently now...) you imagine you're in their situation too. I've been through too many to know that it's something to stay away from but yet here I am again.

It's painful and I'm afraid.

I should be single forever...


Happy Birthday and Happy Breakup. There is always something better out there that is better. It's just that you don't know it yet.

Tensai ne...

Joe Hisaishi-san made me cry today with this beautiful piece...

Blog soonish!

Whatever

Listening to: A/C humming
Feeling: Headache

Dear All,

Where you pain?

The Black & Whites

Listening to: Sarah Bareilles - Love song
Feeling: Funny

I was sitting in our usual mamak place at Hartamas, which we christened '24' because of a certain store in Japan. Long story to that, we'll skip it for another time. So back to the mamak. I just happened to glance up onto the plasma TVs they have hanging by a corner and saw a quote from a certain famous person (I think it was Albert Einstein, bless his soul)

'If you want people to hate you, start changing'

It struck me as funny because it's so true! I wanted to start laughing and crying at the same time how true it was. I remembered when someone once told me that 'maybe Ex Company changed you'. I guess I did and as far as I know, it was a change for the better. I am striding forward in confidence. I am sorry I have left you behind, because this move had been for my own good.

To be very honest, much things had happened over this one month. I've never felt so bad about something like this before. It is hard writing this down because I have been humiliated in the worst possible way.

I've been called a liar, a shit stirrer, fake, a back stabber, immature, irresponsible and many more along that line. I was also told that I 'need so much work on being a human being' and 'so flawed that I don't even realise it'.

It was painful initially because all these were said by a 'friend'. At least I thought he (yes this was said by a guy. Not all bitches need to be female!) was a friend. Little did I know that this 'friend' had hated every moment with me for the past year or so. And yes, all that pent up anger was unleashed within a short week. Imagine the intensity. I never thought anyone could be so angry. And I never thought anyone would hate me that much. At least I know this person's got major anger management problems. And after giving it some thought, I got even more pissed because whatever that had been said is HIM who has been acting the way he said I did! (well, maybe not all but out of 10 maybe 6?)

It was disappointing and hurtful. Maybe I was being like someone who thought the world loved. And me being me 'don't get it when other people don't like them.' In short, I'm being thick faced. I might sound defensive but really...?

I don't know if anyone should feel this way, but I can tell you it really feels as though you're the scum that feeds from the bottom of the sewer. It feels shitty. And if you're only a little depressed, you might have jumped the building or crossed the street with a razor already. The bright side of this? At least I know who my friends and enemies are.

Do you know how betrayal feels then? I know a few people who refused to trust anyone anymore because of past incidences. Whatever happened had left a scar of distrust and bitterness in these people. They might not necessarily talk about what happened but they will never have another friend whom they will tell their deepest darkest secrets to anymore.

Like I said, I never understood why and I never thought it would happen to me. It's because I've got such good friends. Right. Or so I thought. I feel lucky because I still have friends who did and still will stick by me thick and thin and will give me a slap in the face whenever needed.

What I didn't know that there are also some people that are hypocritical and selfish. I am not gonna be nasty about what happened. I will just simply fade away from their lives.

Maybe some people might think that by writing about this in my blog might garner some sympathy votes, let me tell you now that I don't need them. Letting off steam on my blog is something that I can and will do all the time. I will not sugar coat or water down my feelings. I type with my eyes closed with my heart.

From now onwards I will not care what people I don't care about think about me. If you like me, smile and say hi once in a while. If you don't fuck off. The line is clear. Let's not pretend to play friends and maliciously talk about someone the moment back is turned. Let's be honest about our feelings. At least I was. At least I didn't use anyone as last resort, as a communication tool, as the link to things lost...

Just leave me alone. I need to rid myself of poison from my life.

There are just too many things I want to talk about here. But what's the point in explaining? Go figure...

Thoughts at 2 in the morning

Listening to: Fish Leong - Wei Wo Hao
Feeling: Sleepy





This is how I feel like.

5 Years of Pain

Listening to: Sarah McLachlan - I will remember you
Feeling: Melancholic?

I am on a blog roll today. 3 posts a day? It used to be 3 posts a month. OK to be honest I am just procrastinating from doing my freelance work.

So listen to me rant while I wait for my crimson wave to hit me.

It has been 5 years since I had started blogging. I realized that I am not a regular blogger. I have a regular job, so sue me.

When I was thinking about why I started blogging, I remembered. It was painful but I remembered.

It's sad but the pain was still there.

You went away. And Carebear Joe suggested I should start blogging. You know... to take my mind off things. It was a time of troubles as well. My job wasn't going too well and all I could do was shut myself in the tiny toilet of the office with tears wetting my ugly black slacks and equally ugly pair of black court shoes to sms you about the painful death I wish my boss would die of.

You often replied to say that you would come back and stick nails into her tyres. It always made me smile. I never had to wonder what time it was then at your side. I knew down pat what time it was.

That was the 3rd year. And after the first time I confessed to you. Looking back, IT'S SO STUPID OF ME to continue liking you. It was obvious that it won't work out. I cried through your first girlfriend while listening to Celine Dion's All By Myself. I buried myself under the pillows when you tried calling back after I confessed over sms. I cried when you told me you're leaving for a year and a half and you might not come back. I never thought human could cry as much.

I remembered a month before you left. You were wonderful to me. You asked me out for drinks all the time and sent me encouraging smses. Little did I know it was actually you feeling bad for me. I cried everyday. I listen to damn Celine Dion and I cry. I drive for meetings and on the bloody radio was M2M's Pretty Boy, I bawl again. I cried every chance I had. So damn stupid. My eyes were so bloodshot clients must have thought that I was taking drugs.

The day before you left, we were just chatting on the field near your house and as we stood up to leave, you asked for a hug. It was uncomfortable because my heart was beating so fast the ground was trembling. We walked towards my car and you said 'one last hug'. I wanted to run to my car and flood the damn interior because I felt so sad. Was that love? Or was it pity? I remembered I was the one who pushed him away first. And valiantly said goodbye with a smile on my face. Next thing I remembered was driving back home with the rain pouring inside the car.

It had happened so long ago but yet it stays fresh within my memory. All in all, I was in sweet agony for five years. I thought you really was the one for me. Too bad you didn't think I was the one for you. When I saw you recently, I thought how did I ever like this person? I couldn't remember. Even now I couldn't remember why...

Guess I had only truly liked someone with such passion 3 times in my life. After my third rejection, how could I truly trust my own heart?

Love is... Patience

Listening to: Mika Nakashima - Find the way
Feeling: A little bewildered

"You don't know this but a few months before we broke up, me and Z my bestfriend were looking at engagement rings. I really wanted to marry N"

I sat there stunned. After all, N has bitched to no end about this guy, X. X was a bad person, X speaks to me with no respect. X doesn't have time to spend with me. X had another girl before he broke up with me.

X also had his fair share of bitchings and rantings. N is selfish. N is egoistical. I had tried so hard to change N. N is possessive.

I was stunned.

It is shitty to know this now when both parties has embarked onto yet another relationship. N received a diamond ring from current beau and seem happy. X is seeing someone else and seems happy as well.

But looking back, if they had been a little more patience they might have been happily married. There are times when knowing too much is sad. This is one of those moments.

Looking at it this way, its odd that sometimes chances flit between your fingers and impatiently you swat it away thinking its an annoying fly. And that chance might just never come back to you ever again.

It is not in my position to say anything about this situation, but one can't help but wonder... What if at that one moment someone backed down and said sorry. The ending might have been so much more different.

But it is too late now...

Pain is...

Listening to: The Gorrilaz - Clint Eastwood
Feeling: A little sad

And I have a confession to make... It has been on my mind for the longest time and I had wondered for the longest time if I should blog about it because it seems so petty written... Well so here it goes...

I have, well I'm thinking more like I HAD a friend who I'm kinda alright with. I won't say we were really close but I had good times with him. We used to chat a lot online. We used to go out for drinks and have good conversations... I like him alot, temper and all. He's an artist and he's got artist behavior... You know, the usual mood swings and stuff. I guess we were good friends.

We went to Genting together for Coffee Bean, we went to KL for geek trips and discussed anime. We had similarities in music and movies. It was cool.

He started dating a friend of mine and everything was still cool. Hiccups here and there but still alright. We still talk, a little less than before but we still talk about silly things. Initially, it was just 10% less than what we usually do. Then it was 50%... suddenly, out of the blue, we just don't talk anymore.

We still go out for drinks, even if he sits in front of me he would talk to everyone else except for me. He would laugh at other people's jokes and look away when I talk. At first, I thought it's just me imagining stuff... But after almost a year of this looking away and ignoring I am questioning why.

Like I say, I have thought about it for the longest time and wondered if it's just me being sensitive but when people start ignoring your questions for the 10339303rd time, it's time to sit up and take notice.

It's a childish, 'Why you don't friend me' question but it's bothering me. What happened between us? There was no fall outs or anything. We didn't fight. We didn't disagree on something. It just happened. And it is bothering me because I care enough about this person to waste my time caring about this.

It is painful when someone you genuinely care about and like ignores you like that. I wonder what happened...

Chotto sabishii ne...

It was a fantastic trip

Listening to: Justin Timberlake - Sexyback
Feeling: Bloody sleepy


I know, I know... I am supposed to update.

Over the past two weeks, I was on a jet plane to Penang and back. Drove on the fast lane (obviously it wasn't me who was driving) to Melaka for some history lessons. Expanded my frog collection. (I think I have this secret fetish for frogs) Walked in to work by 9.30am THREE times! (Like, OHMYGAWD!) Learned a whole new programme for publishing. Interviewed a group of three amazing and inspirational people. Watched 2 whole Japanese drama series over the weekend. Bought my second set of wheels. Finished a few freelance jobs. Got asked to do a few more. Work got fantastic thumbs up from clients. Turned 27 the Chinese way.

Yeah, what a great month.

Will expand and explain the next post. It's already 4am.

Tomorrow!

A Story True To Many People's Heart

What the Modern Woman Wants By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutchingtightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seatbelt tighter but was careful not to touch the patentleather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on hersleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance' 'Liquidation' 'Assets' 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.

'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily towardthe backseat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter. 'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America. There have been a lot of problems.' The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look.The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence. 'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.' Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.' Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed thather mother's silence meant she did not comprehend. 'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!' The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence.The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side. 'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.

The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods. Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman inthis world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man. Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes.She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son. Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name. Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man.She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated,could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen. She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood.

She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu; old-fashioned. She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it. Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes. Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, Wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques,and yet her daughter had not found true happiness. The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter left the earth everything she had would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions. The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: That her daughter be happy.

She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with angerand worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one way to go from there - down. The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon in front of the altar.Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped everyday of her life.Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty soulless shell at the altar.

The old lady watched her joss tick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing.Modern woman nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it. Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder.She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the onething that would sow the seeds of happiness. They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before. 'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road. Once we move in to our apartment we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have morespace to ourselves...'

The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out-but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home.There's one near Hougang-it's a Christian home, a very nice one.'The old woman did not raise an eyebrow. 'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there.' 'You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers trace the white seat.'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. 'Is everything okay?' What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.'It's for you, Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.'I knew everything would be fine.' Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated.

Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money, Status, Career, Love,Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down...Yes, she was free. Her phone buzzed urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. 'Stocks 10% increase!'Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her... And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.

No Regrets

Listening to: Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter
Feeling: Really broke


It's Friday and I'm home, simply because I am so effing broke. Pay is not in yet and because of some screw ups with previous company, I was paid less than what I was supposed to get. Last month was bad as well because I had to wait 2 extra weeks before pay finally came to me and was promptly spent on fixing my car and paying off my loans and debts. I am still as broke as that day. I am so tired of living like this laaaa *whines*

I guess this is 'paying for your past sins' as Seems says. These are things that you look back and say, 'I wish I didn't buy that damn phone with the card then...' No regrets la. Only learn from mistakes...

I guess there are many things we do that we might regret but remember these are things we could have avoided if we would had stopped and think about the consequences. Unfortunately, we always forget. Like how after I bought my handphone on credit, I vowed not to buy another thing on credit card. Then I bought my laptop. 3 years after that, I am still paying for my debts.

Fortunately, as long as I have my hands and legs, I can still make money to No pay for these 'sins'. I often wonder, what about those people who CANNOT pay off what they have done? Like, if you killed someone... Or broke something that is irreplaceable? If it's me, would I be able to get over that feeling that follows... that regret that will eat into your soul and follow you until the day you die? Will I take my last breath and instead of thinking how I had lived a full and happy life, wished that I did not do what I did 50 years ago?

Like, what if I called that person before he jumped off the building...

Or, would life be more complete if I did not abort that child I once had?

No one is without one regret that they can forget. But one has to understand that whatever it is, it is something we ourselves weave with our own pair of hands. It is not fate. It is something we have to learn and live with.

Do not let regret hold you back from living life. It is not reversible and it is your own decision. Let go.