5 Years of Pain

Listening to: Sarah McLachlan - I will remember you
Feeling: Melancholic?

I am on a blog roll today. 3 posts a day? It used to be 3 posts a month. OK to be honest I am just procrastinating from doing my freelance work.

So listen to me rant while I wait for my crimson wave to hit me.

It has been 5 years since I had started blogging. I realized that I am not a regular blogger. I have a regular job, so sue me.

When I was thinking about why I started blogging, I remembered. It was painful but I remembered.

It's sad but the pain was still there.

You went away. And Carebear Joe suggested I should start blogging. You know... to take my mind off things. It was a time of troubles as well. My job wasn't going too well and all I could do was shut myself in the tiny toilet of the office with tears wetting my ugly black slacks and equally ugly pair of black court shoes to sms you about the painful death I wish my boss would die of.

You often replied to say that you would come back and stick nails into her tyres. It always made me smile. I never had to wonder what time it was then at your side. I knew down pat what time it was.

That was the 3rd year. And after the first time I confessed to you. Looking back, IT'S SO STUPID OF ME to continue liking you. It was obvious that it won't work out. I cried through your first girlfriend while listening to Celine Dion's All By Myself. I buried myself under the pillows when you tried calling back after I confessed over sms. I cried when you told me you're leaving for a year and a half and you might not come back. I never thought human could cry as much.

I remembered a month before you left. You were wonderful to me. You asked me out for drinks all the time and sent me encouraging smses. Little did I know it was actually you feeling bad for me. I cried everyday. I listen to damn Celine Dion and I cry. I drive for meetings and on the bloody radio was M2M's Pretty Boy, I bawl again. I cried every chance I had. So damn stupid. My eyes were so bloodshot clients must have thought that I was taking drugs.

The day before you left, we were just chatting on the field near your house and as we stood up to leave, you asked for a hug. It was uncomfortable because my heart was beating so fast the ground was trembling. We walked towards my car and you said 'one last hug'. I wanted to run to my car and flood the damn interior because I felt so sad. Was that love? Or was it pity? I remembered I was the one who pushed him away first. And valiantly said goodbye with a smile on my face. Next thing I remembered was driving back home with the rain pouring inside the car.

It had happened so long ago but yet it stays fresh within my memory. All in all, I was in sweet agony for five years. I thought you really was the one for me. Too bad you didn't think I was the one for you. When I saw you recently, I thought how did I ever like this person? I couldn't remember. Even now I couldn't remember why...

Guess I had only truly liked someone with such passion 3 times in my life. After my third rejection, how could I truly trust my own heart?