Saturday, March 26, 2005

Being Here nor There

Mood: Blank
Music: Frou Frou - Breathe in

What's wrong with the world today? The question that everyone asks. It's as if we are just sitting here, waiting for something to happen. It saddens me when I see a girl walking alone, clutching her bag to the side far from the road, eyeing every motorbike that passes her suspiciously. First thing that would come across my mind would be, she must have been robbed, at least once.

Wouldn't it be great to be in a world where violence and hate doesn't exist? I could already hear people saying 'Yeah!'. I am wishing for that too.. Now all we need to know is who's making the first step?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

No Big C After all

To all people who actually reads my blog. I had went to this website and realized that the stupid lump was something that I shouldn't be worried even in the first place. It says that 70 something percent of lumps found on breast are benign. I am good. Life's good. God's in His heaven, all's good... I should be going for a check tho.. thanks G... Will do that sometime soon!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

The Big C

Listening to: Mariah Carey-It's like that
Feeling: Scared, Lost and Confused

So yeah, it was weird, but about two weeks ago I found a scab on my right breast and I was pretty scared because first thing that hit me was those scary ass pictures circulating on email about breast cancer. Then, I thought about what I would do if I would really get the big C. Would I or would I not go for chemo and would I have a mammogram. Would I? I said no then, but then after this morning, I think I would.

I was pretty obsessed over the scab (which finally healed after a week or so) and I told Gem, Nic and a colleague of mine. Gem asked her mom and her mom told her that if the scab has discharge I should see the doctor right there and then. Which to tell the thruth, there is. I am freaked. Though I didn't show, I was totally freaked.

This morning, I was examining the scab again and I was feeling for lumps, which I didn't find in the past and suddenly I thought I felt something that wasn't there a few days ago. Maybe it was a figment of my imagination or maybe it was because I am about to have my period but realization hit me like a ton of bricks. And for the first time in my life, I felt so scared and helpless, I was shaking. I could swear my life flashed before my eyes, and I thought you only feel things like this when you are about to die. I felt frustration, sadness, sudden loneliness and such helplessness. All I could think of was, why me? And I was not even sure that I have it.

It was the longest 3 minutes of my life. I thought of my job which I love, things I am supposed to do, people I was supposed to meet and friends I love and finally, my family. What about them? Would I live long enough to see my brothers have kids? Or am I gonna live long enough to get married or see most of my friends getting married. Or save enough money for my sister's education. Not that I know for a fact that I have it, but just the thought of I COULD get it. I shudder thinking of it now.

Should I go for a checkup? I am afraid of the answer that I might receive. Maybe I should just live my life as it is and not going for the god damned checkup and if I really do die, let it be quick. I am pledging my organs again, because the last time I did, I didn't recieve the organ donor's card.

But just in case I do die anytime soon, I want everyone to know that I love them very much.

Friday, March 11, 2005



You scored 93% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 68% Advanced, and 72% Expert!
You have a good understanding of beginner and intermediate level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of the beginner and intermediate level questions correct. This is a good score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got a respectable score.
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog:

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 33% on Beginner
You scored higher than 30% on Intermediate
You scored higher than 5% on Advanced
You scored higher than 58% on Expert

Friday, March 04, 2005

On thoughts that are not important

It's been so long since I had an entry for this. Maybe it was because I do not have much problems with things I often thought I had.

Now that I am sitting here again, typing the story of my life out for non-existant audiences. But it feels good, it actually feels good that things are out of my mind, thoughts flowing into fingers and fingers onto the keyboard to this anonymous space where no one knows me.

News from abroad had been bad. Not coming back, might be staying on.. things like that. Not something very happy when all you were thinking about was how exciting things will be when this year and a certain month arrives. Oh well.. I know what G means when she says 'You do know that he doesn't feel the same way about you right?' Because I had been telling a few people about this too and I am totally ignorant about it. Or maybe I just didn't want to accept the fact. Maybe. Definitely. Ohwell..

So what? So what? Questions run through my mind and hits the side of my brain with a loud thud. Things never really had worked out for me in a long long time and maybe just one fine day, hopefully, with fingers crossed thing could finally work out the way I would want it to be.

Starting to sound selfish here. Things should always be my way. Of course. I am only human. Selfish little human me says, ' Come back you fool! Even though you'd be here, so near yet so far, come back..'