Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Why are we waiting?

Me & Speed Dial No.6 were chatting today, and the subject on 'waiting' came about. Should we wait or should we not wait? Well, waiting as in waiting for our other half... And, also in the same time, is he/she worth the wait?

He came up with the theory saying that waiting wastes time. After all, we only have that many years in our life to waste. I kind of agree, but then again there are cases where the wait will test your relationship and if it pulls tru, this relationship would last.

In my honest opinion, waiting or not, it's a personal choice because in the end, if you look back and think that the wait was worth your while, that is all that matters. But if this is a blind wait (i.e. still pining for your crappy ex and/or loving that guy you know in high school but he doesn't even know of your existance) do not, after like 5 years, blame the other person for your time wasted.I think it all boils down to yourself when you have made that decision to wait. No one held a knife to your throat and said 'WAIT!!'

Me myself and I, I do not mind waiting. Doesn't matter if I've spent a few years of my life waiting. For now I think waiting for that one moment is definately worth the time spent. It's my choice. Doesn't matter that nothing happens.

It really doesn't matter at all, for I know that nothing will ever happen...

Monday, September 27, 2004

Can't sleep, there are no dreams

I can't sleep... There are no dreams..

Only dreams I get are empty ones.. Well..empty ones are the kind you know you've dreamt of repeatively but you can't remember them at all.. Now that is the scary part... Dreams I thought I had but can't remember.

Song playing in my head right now is Mariah Carey's Breakdown. And darnit.. that Winter Sonata song.. whatssit called? Think it's.. 'From the beginning till now' or something.. (literally translated from Mandarin tho..)Sigh... the Breakdown song, I so can relate to now... Well.. can say from 3 years back.

'So what you do when, somebody you're so devoted to, suddenly just stops loving you, and it seems like they havent got a clue, of the pain and rejection is putting you tru...'

hahha I'm so drama. But what the hell.. Life's more fun with more drama.

Sigh.I feel like I am in a rut. And I cant get out. No one is here to help me. (not literally... not that my friends don't help me out. No one except myself can help myself out I think..) I definately need to let go of some things of the past. If not I won't go forward... T-T

Back to my empty dreams.......

Friday, September 24, 2004

Who are you to say?

Who is Moo to say the things he had said? I mean, now that he is on the other side and I feel like the victim, he is not saying the incredibly 'holy' things that he had said previously.

I am so angry. So disappointed.

Who is he to question 'Trust'?
Who is he to question 'Friendship'?
Who is he to question 'Love'?
Who is he to question me?
Who is he to say that he had betrayed?

He had once said that what the other girl did was wrong as they were just weeks since they broke up and she got together with someone. He had said that he would never trust the guy ever again. And then we happened. And I tried my very hardest to reconcile them. He rebuffed me every single time, saying that I do not understand how he feels. I admited to him at that time I really do NOT understand the feeling of betrayal. But what do you know... now I do know how betrayal feels and it feels like shit.

For he is now courting someone else.

I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me, it does because, I am acknowledging this.. I cannot lose. I cannot stand to lose and in this case, not so much on the times that we had together... but it's the very thought that he had indeed lied and made me think that for the first time in my life I am loved.

I know I am evil but somehow I've actually looked into his cell and saw a name that kept appearing in his sms inbox. And with not hesitation at all... I opened the inbox and saw smses with words that he had directed to me once upon a time.

I am angry.. I do feel very very much ANGRY~

He had cheated me of my firsts. The end had to come too soon. I thought to myself, if nothing would have happened, I won't feel this way about him at all. I get moody around him. I dunno why.. Sigh. I can't hate him, he's my friend. Sigh.. Sometimes I wonder, why am I being so 'tai foong' when I can be super nasty and just ignore him? What am I trying to prove to myself, I sometimes ask...

Why am I here?

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

The Perfect Girl in the Perfect World

A perfect girl in a perfect world, would have the perfect symmetrical face, perfect grades, perfect family, perfect attitude, perfect body and everything perfect perfect.

I am sorry but I am not the perfect girl, neither is he the perfect guy. So if he would think that he would deserve another person other than me cause I am not perfect, I would say, FUCK OFF.

I am perfectly unperfect. When I one day find someone who would love me perfectly, for the unperfect me, it would be a perfect happy ending.

Please do not look at me through rose tinted glass. I am not perfect. Never wanted to be... Imperfection is what that makes me beautiful.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Looking out for each other

It was an eventful day today... Joined my new colleagues for lunch and had a tour of the new office that I will be working in from next Monday onwards....

People there are OK (well, first impression) and they seemed to be friendly. Well, let's hope they stay that way..

Went home after that.. went online for a bit... chatted with Speed Dial No.6 and after that, napped for abit... Finally I can sleep at night. Maybe it was the stress of me finding a job being off my shoulders. :) Am so damned glad that I am gonna be OK. Big thanks and hugs go to people who were there for me throughout this whole ordeal. Think without them, I would still be floundering around..

Well... after that, went for yamcha but before that, me and Gem had 'tong sui' somewhere near Sarah's place. Actually, had a talk with Gem about Sarah's joblessness. It's been 2 years and all... but she had yet found a job. After finishing our dessert, we went to pick Sarah up. On the way to Central Perk, I tried to drop subtle hints on how to get jobs and where abouts with vacancy. By the sound of her reply, she is not very pleased that we are AGAIN touching on this topic. So me and Gem just let the topic drop tru...

I am pretty amazed by how she can actually keep afloat throughout this two years without a job. We had tried to advice her but she would tell us that she wants a place where there is public transport (as she doesn't have a car) and it is not too far etc etc... I understand her situation, but then I would also think that with all these thinking and no action, when will she get a job?

I was also telling Gem about Speed Dial no.6 and PK's(my cousin) concern towards her work situation and Gem was surprised and touched that there are so many people caring about her. Actually, yeah, we look out for each other and I was too abit surprised that Speed Dial 6 asked me about Sarah. Maybe it was cause he wasn't as close as we are to Sarah. But yeah, it just felt nice to know that we do look out for each other...

:p discovered that I can connect to RO... Will be kicking some cute stuff's butt for now... Till I get more inspiration~

Wednesday, September 15, 2004


I so feel like jumping up and down~ Run round and hug everyone tightly... It's funny how just ONE phonecall can make you seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I've finally got an answer for the job that I was hoping to get and the answer was YES! And I didn't even need to go for the interview... :p

Was in One Utama at that time and I totally didn't expect it to be so sudden... The guy was like 'Can you start on Monday?' I was like 'Yeah!!' Was with Nicholle at that time and I guess she knew what happened by the look on my face!!! So.. hahha, to reward myself.. I bought the cute hairband that I thought was so cute but was abit pricey.. Wahey.. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do~ Yeah.. which is to reward herself when something good happens!!!!!

:) Feel like running bout and jumping up and down!!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I'm coming to terms...

I am coming to terms with this feeling inside of me that I as of now, still feel uncertain...

I guess, I feel LONELY....

For once.. I am admitting.

Don't get me wrong. I am not short of friends... I have tons. It's just that, no matter how much my friends mean to me, I feel loneliness in a different level. =_=; I dunno...

Today, as I was lying down on my bed, listening to the rain fall on the roof, it struck me that I feel empty inside. Maybe it was just the rainy weather.. It always makes me feel melancholic and moody. I have always said that I love the rainy weather.. I still do.. But on empty, boring days like these... I rather have the day sunny and hot.

Feels like I am lost in this dark, empty space with no horizons. I have this dream countless times, I am standing in this dark place, I can't even see my hands.. And I am trying to escape from this horrible lonely and dark place. But however far I seem to run, I can't seem to find the exit. However far I run, I can't find the horizon of this place. Never really found out the true meaning of this dream, but it still scares me shitless..

It dawned upon me that the dark space could be how I feel about my future.. It is dark and I am trying to evade it.. It could also represent the hollowness I feel in my life.

Somehow I feel like I am doing nothing much with my life. I wish I could do more for the world. Sigh.. Maybe doing something more for my family first would be good (let's start small) I can't even support myself. T-T

Somehow.. at this moment.. I wish that time can stand still while I make up my mind on what to do next and maybe a little more time for myself to decide what kind of person I am turning out to be. I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm dizzy. I need a time out... and also some time to let my heart heal.....

Forgotten Dreams

Had some time yesterday, so was just rummaging round. Found some sealed boxes which I had put away some of my old books years ago. So I thought maybe I take some old books out to reread them.

Inside the box were loads of musty and dusty books. Most of them I can't remember that I've bought them. And then I spied a few boxes, which I have totally forgotten about!! It contains letters I have received from friends and pen pals dated as far back as 1994!! Found a few funny letters from this Italian pen pal I had. Was pretty funny so I thought I would bring it to show Gem, Sarah and Arihito later during yamcha.

Then, underneath a pile of dusty romance novels, I saw a soft pastel pink ribbon. It was my old pointe shoes. It looks pretty much worn out. I took them out and tried them on... It still fits~ (And I can still go on points... *miracle!!*)

Funny how fast I have chucked that pair of shoes into my sealed box after I've made my decision to stop ballet. I do love ballet, but then after 9 years of ballet (or torture, I would say at that time) I got quite sick of it. Now reminiscing about those days in leotards and tights, I miss them. I miss the performances and exams. I miss those days where we have to tie our hair back into tight buns so that it wouldn't fall into our eyes when doing pirouettes.

I've actually forgotten the dream I have when I was much younger. A dream of tutus, pointe shoes (as we can only use pointe shoes when we are in grade 8), pretty costumes for our yearly performances and the blood, sweat and tears that go with it. Sigh.. suddenly I wish that I am 6 years younger and I am still in my black leotard, and my hair back into a bun, changing into my pointes and then walking towards the barre to do my plies.

Now all I can do is to return all my dreams back into the cardboard box and seal it back and forget about them once more........

Sunday, September 12, 2004

| am still awake~

It is 5.44am and I am still awake.. T-T Got back not too long ago from sis's orchestra performance in Kajang.

Was darn nice... Sigh.. Wanna go for another one.. =_=; maybe just not in Kajang.

Had yamcha with Sarah after the performance, cuz Gem wanted to go home to sleep. In the end, both of us stayed till bout 3am. Sarah's mum had to call.. hahaha So.. went home and maybe I had too much caffeine (AGAIN) and am still perky till now... T-T

Who can help me? =_=;

Had my brows plucked today... Right after I had my specs on to look at the damage.. I saw a 'surprised' me. Hahah This was cause she plucked it too high up.. but after a while.. I kinda got used to it.. so no harm done. ahehae

yawn.. maybe it is time to sleep already... 6am T-T

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Frustration that was totally unnecessary!

Today... I had a taste of male ego. And boy, was I cheesed..

Ok.. well, to tell the truth, it has nothing to do with me. I could have just shut up and rest my case. But it's just that I feel it is quite stupid to let things to that way. Let start from the top: -

Started off when I thought of having a surprise birthday part for Arihito (his birthday falls on the 1st of October) so I told my 2 other trusty sidekicks, Sarah and Gem. They were like 'Ok YOU plan' T-T So ok anyway, cuz I am so the free and all. And I started off with the guest list. Honestly, apart from me, Gem, Sarah, Nini, None, Sissy, Moo and Speed Dial no. 6, we do not have much on the guest list. So me and my bright mind thought that we should invite his other group of friends, which would include Kst and his bunch of RO mates.

Contacted Kst today via MSN and got him to confirm that he would make it. Sigh.. *Dramatic Drumroll* the problems start. Because I do not know much about the other RO mates like Lily and all, decided to ask Moo to contact them. It started off on a good note. We were joking that Arihito doesn't have much friends and that we prolly need to hire extras to make the party seem more happening. That is when I told him that Kst is invited too.

Of course I remembered what happened in between Kst and Moo and Moo's ex girlfriend. It's just that, Moo had once told me that there will be a time that he and Kst will reconcile. I would understand is he would to tell me that he and Kst will not be like they were before.

Gosh, they were really close before this. I still remember those times when me (I tagged along), Speed Dial no.6, Arihito, Moo, Kst and Dan would go to KL for our comic and gaming spree. Man... it was such a guy thing (playing shooting games and Dance2 Revolution, Para2, buying comic books, looking at techie stuffs like CDRs, comparing modems and such ler) but looking back, it was so fun. I was thinking that they seem to be like brothers. I dunno, but those were the days I look back and think, how fun to have close friends like that. (those were the days before Sarah and Gem I would say.. thank goodness I have them now~) So yeah, then this girlfriend thing happened. And I thought, after all our advices and counseling sessions, Moo would actually get it and maybe forgive Kst.

But no...when I gently let the bomb down, he was like 'He's going to be there?' And I was like, yeah he's gonna be there' And he went on to say something to the effect of 'Why invite him, but since you've already did, nothing much I can do' I was like O.o I told Sarah, Gem, Nini and None about it; we were at Central Perk at that time.

Told Moo that the world doesn't revolve around him and when I was chatting with Kst on MSN just now, it does seem that he was sincere to patch things up. He was like 'I don't know how to start a conversation with him'. Then Moo said 'Screw it because I am not anyone important and he doesn't need to explain things/talk to me. If he ask me something, I would answer. That's it.' That sounded like a take it or leave it. I really really really do NOT understand why would he give such an answer. Because in the first place, he had said that he is quite ready to forgive and forget. If Kst would make the first move. But then, now he would not even give him a chance. He sounded like he would just rather forget that he had this friend.

He went on to say that he doesn't trust Kst anymore. But like what Gem had said, 'It should be the other way round. Kst should be the one not trusting Moo as Moo might try to get Ryl (the girlfriend) back.' And yeah, I do think that was something valid.

Honestly, I thought too, if he would wanna talk about trust, what about me? Should I be trusting Moo too? I mean, after the things and promises that he had made to me and took back within a month... Should I trust him anymore? Had he ever thought of it that way? Of maybe it's just me being stupid and naive to trust him back. Now to think of it.. yeah.. somehow, things that he had promised me and told me are all just lies, so why am I trusting him? T-T Gah... But it's because I choose to take the risk to trust again I would say... What is the point of being friends when we do not trust each other? And why should I let a 9 year friendship go down the drain just because of something pretty much of a mistake? I wish that he could see my point there....

But as I had mentioned earlier... guys are just bursting with ego and according to Sarah, this is a classic case of 'What do YOU have that I don't that my girlfriend would leave me for you?' True that.. but the annoying thing is that Moo would insist the girlfriend thingy has nothing to do with it. I am just gonna sigh and let you decide on what's the case...

But in the end, after a little talk with Sarah, I felt guilty for sticking in my nosy nose into something that doesn't involve me (AGAIN!). I got home, still thinking about it and finally concluded that I was just being a nosy bitch. I sent him a two page sms saying that I was sorry for being pushy. It is after all his decision and not mine. I did not go through the things that he had. And because I always think that, 'if I can do it why can't you' it finally dawned upon me that it is after all individual decisions that makes people an individual. I also told him that I was sorry for being selfish for forcing something to him but again I insisted that I thought that Kst was really sincere. Hope that he would think about it and not just let this friendship between both of them diminish. He had yet to reply my sms, well.. maybe cause I sent that sms at bout 330am. =_=;

I would be damned it Kst had told me that he is trying to patch things up between Moo and him and all I am doing is just to sit back and look. If this is what it would take to build a friendship back, I would do it again... sigh...

This male ego thing leaves a bitter taste in my mouth... I do really really hope that nothing like this would happen between me, Gem and Sarah. As in liking the same guy.... It would be pretty hard to make that decision to either lose the love of your life or to lose that good bud that you have been tru shit with... Because I know... no matter what we would say it now.. if it really happens one day, there will be jealousy and there will be heartbreak and heartache and most definately there will a crossroad that would require you to choose...

Dear God, it would be easier if you want me to choose between life or death, but please do not let me choose between two friends...

T-T 5.41am already.. time for bed...

Just a short one

Me is bored.

Me wishes that me is working.
Me wishes that me is NOT working.
Me wishes that me knows what to do next.
Me wishes that me wishes that me has all the riches in the world so that me can buy all items me wants to buy.
Me wishes me have more cash so me can spend friends out for a drink in Coffee Bean or alternatively TGIF for the smoking section is inside, with air conditioning.
Me wishes me find and marry an old man that is about to die and has nothing much to do with his money or life.
Me wishes that things that happen for a reason tells me what the reason is first before it happens to me so that I would know what to expect. =_=;

Me wishes everyone to be happy in the end and everyone to have all their dreams and wishes fulfilled.

Me is gonna take a nap now.. *and maybe a ciggie first*

Friday, September 10, 2004


Had a long conversation with Sarah on this thing called 'Love'. She was telling me about some love stories that she had seen. One that really touched me was Lavender ....

Lavender's a story about this girl, whose fiance died. So she is like so heartbroken and for two whole years, she keeps thinking about him. She will do the same thing day in day out, like, after work, she would buy an orange helium ballon and walk back to her house. And she would eat the same thing, after tht, write a wish (for her dead fiance) on the ballon and let it off to float into the sky.

Basically she does the same thing over and over and over again.. till one day, something happened to break her mundane life.

To cut a darn long story short, she realises in the end that because of her clinging to her dead fiance, she had missed out on many opportunities on love and life. All because of her routine, she had missed chances of meeting this other guy.

At this point.. me and Sarah just stared into space and jst nodded knowingly. Sarah = 6 years. Miss Pink - 4 years and counting (Bakabakabaka!!!)

Quite funny, how this thing called love can happen to you. It's true what they say, that love is a sneaky thing.. It will just drop by when it feels like it. And this is usually when you least expect it. Usually when you wish and wish for it, it will not come. But when you just leave it alone... It jumps right you.

Oh love... What is love? Can it be seen? Can it be touched? Can love be predicted? Could we decieve love? Would it be pure? How does love feel like?

Oh love, pay us a visit.... I would like to get to know you....

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

My Happ|ness~

Listening to: Fuyu no Sonato - Ryu

Recent events that happened gave me the idea to write about happiness (or, 'shiawasete' in japanese :p)

What happened was this : -

4th September 2004, 11.00pm ( Saturday ) : Me, Sarah, Gem, Nini, Sissy and None had our yamcha session in Sunway Pyramid's Coffee Bean on impulse. What I mean by impulse is that me and Sarah (who got there first) just decided where to go. That was because None wanted to go elsewhere not our usual Central Perk. So after me and Sarah settled down, Nini and Gem arrived. Shortly after them, None. Then later Sissy joined us. Basically had our usual yamcha, with loud laughter and friendly banter that somehow will go back to the guys being gay (=_=;)

So, after about an hour and a half there, Sissy decided to go for supper in Kepong. Dimsum actually. Feeling adventurous and 'in-the-mood' everyone quickly agreed. We finished our drinks and off we went, in 4 cars. Me & Sarah in one, Gem & Nini in another, None and Sissy each drove their own cars. So halfway there, we sorta got lost as the guys suggested that we should go to another place to have dessert instead of dimsum. I actually kinda know where that place is, it's just that I would need some time to explore. Anyways, me and Sarah got separated from the rest and in the end, we found the place (which was called 'Kei Tak Sek' direct translation = Remember to eat) but alas, it was closed.

Listening to: Take my Breath Away - Jessica Simpson

Next Song: Pieces of Me - Ashlee Simpson

So called the rest to tell them and somehow me and Sarah managed to find the rest and we had our dimsum. Arihito joined us after a while. He just got off work and was drunk. =_=; All in all, we had a great time. I knew I had a great time but what I didn't know was that Gem and Sarah had a super time.

Listening to: Yuki no Hana - Nakashima Mika

When we got home, Sarah sms-ed me telling me how happy she was that day. Reason being Sissy actually acknowledged her presense and in Gem's words, 'spoke to her, laughed at her jokes, looked at her and basically just acknowledged her' She kept telling me that she was 'super happy' I'm telling you, that was really infectious. We all agreed that it was like back to old times. I was smiling to myself and happily typing on my cell. Bet Sarah was smiling to herself and to quote her 'smile until can see my wisdom tooth and by tomorrow, my mouth will be bigger!' *lol*

Listening to: I Miss You - Blink 182

Gem also sms-ed and she was also saying that she enjoyed the night and she was really glad that things were all right. She then confessed that suddenly, she felt like she was falling in love all over again. Asked her if she was sure and all. She was like 'I am sure' T-T sigh.... Can't say much, I told her. For if I know how to get rid of this feeling, I would have done it long long time ago. T-T

So yeah, the day ended on a very happy note. I told Sarah, that I am had a great time too. But, I can't seem to shake off this feeling. That it was only missing one person, then the night would be perfect for me. =_=; Sarah guessed correctly, who this person was. Sigh.. I do miss him. And I kinda wish that I don't.

Anyway!!! This is supposed to be about 'shiawasete' !!! =_=; So, yeah, that was how I kinda got this topic. (pardon my England.. dunno why it's a bit crap these few days)

My Happness:

I guess, simple things makes me feel happy. Things like seeing my friends being happy (like on Saturday), hearing my favorite song on the radio, doing up a new survey, reading emails from friends (personal ones mind you, not forward emails), recieving a call from certain someones, listening to the rain fall and going out with my buddies on a simple yamcha at Central Perk.

A pop-up that says 'Ano hito is online' (haehahe that's 'a certain someone' in japanese), a cute forward sms from Sarah or a piece of advice from Gem. French toast from Kim Gary, hazelnut Cadbury chocs, a long drive alone in my car, leaves swirling round on a windy day...

All these things seriously make me very happy. The very thought that I have great friends like I have makes me smile. I am someone who is easily pleased.

Seeing a new comic book out on the news stand, watching my baby cousin smile, reading a funny story, checking out a new website, recieving a msg (doesn't matter online or on my celly) from a long lost friend, watching fireworks in a field with a few friends (even if that mean we will be giving mosquito buffet again), having picnics in parks at night, having cook-outs in my house.. all these things do not cost much, but they do mean the world to me.

And yeah I am happy~ :)

*~* shiawase *~*

Moments before I dash out of my house for yamcha!

Ok.. Moments before I rush out for yamcha as Sarah is picking me up tonight!!! Just wanna remind myself of what to write later~

Happiness is like sharing a bar of chocs with my sister!

Am going abit of cuckoo from the lack of sleep and the lack of cigs and sugar T-T

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

I am now a vampire~

It is now 6.01am on a Tuesday morning.. must be wondering why have I woke up at such an ungodly hour. Noo... it's not that I have woke up at such an ungodly hour, but I have not slept since last night. I am indeed going cuckoo. Hope tomorrow I can wake up at bout 12 noon cause I wanna wake up and update this blog.

Not in the state of mind to write anything intelligent in my blog, so I will just have a short one, was afraid that they will not let me log in. So just in case!

Coming up on my next blog~
What is Happiness?
What Hwa did.
What Hwa did next. :p

Saturday, September 04, 2004

3 days of Torture

3rd day of bumming round.
3 days of torture
feel like strangling myself if I stay like this for another week or so..

Hope I can find something to do before I start killing myself~