Saturday, October 23, 2004

Something's wrong

Honestly if you ask me what's wrong, I do not know... I just feel something's wrong I do not really know what the hell it is.. I am in love with my job, Sarah's got her job, person that matters the most to me is showing me love (I think..) and yeah, I am at peace with myself.

Sometimes it's scary to think that I feel this way when everything's going on fine. Seems to me that I feel better when I am in hot soup or something. Maybe it's the period thing coming on or something...

Or not... hmm maybe I am jst feeling very confused. Cause person tht matters the most is treating me very nice. Just when I feel that I might let go, I feel something warm. hah... yeah I do.. I am SUCH a bloody pinhead. Sometimes I feel that I should just make sure that he hates me before I can let go.. I know for a bloody fact that me and him, no chance. Why am I still holding on to this. I dare not let go. Doesn't help when my tarots says that me and him will end up good and in the end my wish will come true.

It really hurts to think back now and see how stupid I am to feel so damn happy when I know that I am just hiding myself from the truth. I feel stupid. Smiling to myself while driving, eating or even when sleeping. I do not dare to believe what the cards say, but secretly I wish and hope that it comes true. hahah stupidity.

And on his side, doesn't really help that he treats me great. I've said this so many times, sigh... and I'm still not letting go. Sometimes I would rant about issues of love and he would give me advice and ... I dunno.. I sometimes feel like it is somehow directed to me as well as the subject of my rantings. 'Why can't she just let it go?' This scares me the most because it sounds like a call for me to stop it and he telling me that no way in a thousand years. It scares me... Because I wish and hope that the future would somehow turn out to be like how it is on the cards...

Saturday, October 09, 2004

The Feeling's Mutual

Well, yesterday I sorta had a spat with him. Not about anything in particular, but just that I hated his guts for thinking that whatever I had said were just jokes. Somehow he made me feel as though whatever that had transended between us was just something that happened to amuse him throughout his holidays back here.

Honestly, if that is what he think.. damnit! Can't do anything now. I only can say that I am stupid to would have actually fallen for that.

To think of it, I never really told him how I felt about the whole incident. I know I shouldn't hold on to this and make it seem as though it is something important or someone died or something, but well, I can't help it that I think about things like this whenever I'm driving or whenever I have nothing to do. I would wonder actually, what would happen if I had not confronted him about it that day. Would he still had dragged this on? Thank goodness I did confront him actually...

So yeah, yesterday I was pretty cheesed off with him and finally spilled my guts.

'It seems like everything you've said was a joke and you've never ever taken anything seriously. Have you ever thought of what other people would feel? Obviously not. Give it a thought.'

It jst flowed out of my fingers when I typed that. That was me spilling my guts out after a few months of keeping it inside me. Previously I was afraid to bring this topic out for the fear of him thinking that I am still pining over him. Suddenly I have no patience for him anymore.. and really.. the feeling's mutual. And oh~ does it feel good after sending that sms off... Like a burden taken off my shoulders.

I won't hold anything against him, now that this burden is off my shoulders. And to think back, I was the one who was thinking if I was serious in this or not.. Now I wonder if he was serious or not. If he was, the feeling's mutual. And now that it has came to this stage, yeah, the feeling's also mutual.

People make mistakes, but why make them when you already do beforehand that it would be a mistake?

Monday, October 04, 2004

Winter Sonata Marathon

Mission - To finish Winter Sonata in 2 days (over the weekend)

Episodes to Finish - 15
Start time/date - 03 Oct 2004, 12.30am
Finish time/date - 04 Oct 2004 3.00am (estimated)
Total time - 26hours (should be 15++ hours cuz 1 episode is like 1 hour)

Amount of Food consumed - 2 packets of Instant Noodles, 1 pack of chips, 3 litres of water and 1 can of coffee
Amount of Cigs to help me stay awake - Half a pack

Tissues used - 1 pack
Amount of tears Cried - About (give/take) 2 bucket full
Hours of Sleep - (give/take) 5 Hours

fuh~ *wipes sweat* Am about to finish Winter Sonata here.. Will be continuing once I finish writing this blog on what I think about this show. Damn.. I was so determined to finish it before this weeked is over because I do not want to let my mind wander during working hours, thinking what will happen next.

So, Winter Sonata you might wonder, it was shown on national TV a year or two back, why the Winter fever now? hmmm.. I dunno hahehae but I was always a non-conformist. Plus, why watch it day by day when you can watch everything at one go? hahah That's what I think. Big thanks to Tania for her boxset =_=; I would cry if I would need to wait and watch it episode by episode.

Well, watching this show makes me think of only one thing... if true love would be so hard to obtain, I might just consider a future alone. Seriously. Yeah, I know it's dramatised in the series and all, but then to come to think of it, love does work that way. In a sick, twisted sort of way. When you think that love is working fine for you and all, it just sort of shits on you.

Makes me wonder, why would someone hurt another person in the name of love? (or God for that matter)

I have wondered as well, how would you know that you are in love with someone and how sure are you? I have once said, 'I go to sleep and I think of him, I wake up, I think of him, wondering if he is awake. When I am having my lunch, I wonder, if he is having his as well. I think about him when I see something he would have liked. And when I think of him, I smile.' Is that love?

For the uninitiated, I would have sounded like a stalker =_=; But, oh well, I am not. I just feel a lot for this certain someone.

In dramas like these, all will end well, people do not need to work. People in love eat in expensive restaurants that are obviously too expensive to eat in on a daily basis with the pay that they are getting. They fight and make up on the same day, they drive to scenic places during working hours and after hours of work, they still looked like they have just came out from the showers. (read, beautifully done hair and non stained clothes) They always have suitable type of music in the restaurant that they have dinner in. (When it is a sad conversation, the piped music will suddenly be a sad song like 'Without You' or something)

I would have to confess that after watching the whole set of Winter Sonata, I suddenly wondered that if there is perfect love like that. Is there perfect love like that? Are there people who would be willing to sacrifice so much for love? Everything is a question here. And I do not expect it to be answered....