Friday, January 25, 2008

This stinks

Listening to: Rie fu - Tobira
Feeling: sad

This must be the mother of all bad days...

First, whatever I had written in my first post.

Then when I thought I should cheer myself up by watching a nice episode of D.Grey Man, latest episode not uploaded yet.

And so I thought, maybe watch Marimite... but damn internet is slow. Bloody slow

Just when I thought it would not get any worst, I reached into my ciggie box and there it was, my last stick.

You know when they say 'When it rains, it pours?' It's true...

I wonder which God's tail I've stepped on recently.


This is so wrong!!!!

What Lum Yi Hwa Means

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.
You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.
You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts.
You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it.
You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator!

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

Crossroads, T-Junctions, One Ways...

Listening to: Rie fu - Until I say
Feeling: Angry, sad, disappointed, annoyed & all of the above.


Have you ever felt like, you know... you're at the crossroads of your life? How does that feel like? Maybe like, you literally see them? Or like, it's there is a flash of lightning and you KNOW you're there... This dreaded crossroad? Or maybe, T-junction... whatever

This sucks... for some reason I can't talk about what had happened but it had totally effected me emotionally like BAD. I mean, like, do you realize the amount of 'like's I am putting in this post?

I am so fucking bummed. I don't know if anyone else could understand the feeling... Well maybe not cause no one else got what I got. I feel...




A failure.


Angry at the powers that be.


Ultimately, angry at myself.

Really, this is not how it is supposed to be. Putting in so much effort, time, blood, sweat and tears gave me only this? Am I so undeserving? Major blow to my self-esteem is all I can say.

I UGH... feel like crying! I want to cry. But why? I am crying because of this?

God damned!

Yeah, so back to the crossroads... I am thinking of which way to head to. should I stay or should I go? Left or right? Up or down?

I hate this feeling of being uncertain about something. Like, you're given the choice of having chicken or beef as part of your set lunch and you know you love both... But are you sure you want the chicken? You might want the beef though... You might regret... Ugh. Hate that feeling.

*OK, that didn't really make sense*

Whatever that is... I think I will never be confident of myself anymore. And I thought I might have ONE percent of my much needed confidence. All shattered... Within 10 minutes of my life.

Plunge a knife through my heart now.

I am so sick...

And so tired...

Feel useless and unappreciated.

Right now, just feeling unhappy, demotivated and angry at the world. Let me be for a while.


Sick & Tired

Listening to: Mika Nakashima - Fed Up
Feeling: Fed Up


End of entry

Monday, January 14, 2008

A tribute to Anne Theresa Chong

Listening to: Clazziquai - speechless
Feeling: sad

Dear Anne Theresa Chong,

You left too abruptly. I didn't get to say goodbye on Friday. I had so many things to ask you still...

Why? Why didn't you let us say goodbye?

You kept your illness to yourself and we thought everything was fine. You were alright... I had always thought of you as someone strong, who cannot do any wrong. You were in my eyes someone who were invincible.

Maybe it was that glint in your eyes when you first checked my work. You sort of scared me then. You had such spirit.

Maybe some people thought you were harsh and strict. I found you honest and fun. I enjoyed the times we spent in the office late together. I remembered how you, the one who was so tight-lipped I had imagined having to pry your mouth open with a crowbar surprised me by talking non-stop.

I remembered how I told the rest that I had an actual conversation with you and they were surprised. You gave out the 'don't fuck with me' vibe. I guess even our editor was a wee scared of you too.

I think that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

We never established the fact that we were friends but I sort of figured that out when you offered to lend me books. Your books, precious to you and you took the time to look through all of them to pick out the one that I would enjoy. And when I did read them, I loved them. And you always looked happy when I told you so.

I always felt so proud when you came up to me to say 'Hey, I really enjoyed reading your 'How-To' page. I never knew that irons could do things like that!' For someone like you, whom I thought knew everything on to come and tell me that, was like WOW. Or when you write little notes on top of my page like 'Good Job' or 'Nice One', it had really given me a little more faith in myself and my writing. I had more pride in my work then...

When we did the Secret Santa thing at the office, I did not imagine in my 25 years of life that you had taken the time to fold pretty little stars for me, download a cute and corny Christmas carol, create a new yahoo account and send it to my workmail to cheer my day up and stuck pretty pink sequins on a glass bottle for me. Everyone was shocked when you announced it was you who did it. Because no one thought too that you did things like that. No one at all... And when I opened up that gift, a pink phone pouch, a pink hair clip and a lollypop, I was shocked that you went all the way out to choose something in pink. The pink hairclip, you explained, was because I had once told you that my fringe keeps falling into my eyes. You thought it would help. It's the first time someone did something so thoughtful for me. I look at the phone pouch and hairclip now and I think of you. Thank you so much!

Yesterday, while having lunch with Seems I told her that I wanted to talk to you because I really wanted to know my writing progress and the only person who I can think of talking to was you. But in just 6 hours I got a call saying you had passed on.

Thinking back, I had at first thought it was a joke. Well, who jokes about things like that anyway? It took about an hour to really sink in. I realized then you had really left us. And I realized I will not be able to ask your opinion about my work, about books or life. It was surreal.

When I saw you just now, you looked so small. It was almost like you were made out of wax. With tears blurring my eyes, I wondered if you would sit up and say 'Gotcha!'. You always surprised us like that. I was still hoping it was not for real. I really hope, I pray with all my heart that you're now in a better place. No deadlines to worry about and no fools that you would need to suffer for anymore.

Your mom had told me that you had thought I was special. I will not get the chance to tell you this and I hope you know this but I had always thought you were special too.

Thank you Anne, you had thought me more than just about verbs and nouns. Thank you. My only wish was that I knew you earlier or had spent more time with you.

May you rest in peace. And for the last time... 'Bye~~~!!! And don't work too late!'