Back to where we have started...

Listening to: Zee Avi - First of the Gang
Feeling: Left behind

It has been almost half a year since I last blogged. It has been a whirlwind year, with the purchase of the house, change of jobs, weddings all year round, gym and Japanese classes. Though there had not been much freelance jobs, I feel I don't have much time for myself.

I have yet to welcome the arrival of Hayley, Cin and BK's second bundle of joy and the latest princess for me to dote upon. Caden is now all grown up, a natural heartbreaker, cute as a button and cool as ice. I feel so old typing this but yes, Caden is 1 year and 4 months old now. Really, time flies when you're having fun no?

I was thinking of giving up blogging (right) cause I just don't have much to write about. But really, what is life without drama right? There had been loads happening, it's just that it's just too petty to put it down in words. Nothing witty or funny happened. Until yesterday...

You see, it had been a year of weddings and reunions during the said weddings. Frankly, at the right old age of 27 (though many might disagree, thanks guys I love you too) and at the last count, nil relationships to my name, I am starting to worry.

Questions of "When was the last time did you actually feel a fluttering in your stomach when you meet someone new" arose. I mean, the last that happened was when I read Twilight and fell in love with Edward Cullen. And then when I read Matthew Reilly's Scarecrow stories. I mean, how fucking sad is that. And on top of ALL that, I get questions from all around. People can't comprehend the singledom that I have embraced. I couldn't too at times... I feel emotionally inept. It's a little strange and hard to explain cause I can't even explain it to myself...

And so after much contemplating and support, (thanks guys, you know who you are) I have finally decided to give in, to give it a try. Apparently, this one person who had once took a liking to me had waited. Hey, I have waited before and it's not something easy or pleasant. I felt bad. Extremely! But oh well, never too late. Waiter says that he waited, all alone...

And so I find out yesterday that waiter had lied. It's sad. I wonder how can I trust another guy after this. Not the first time, I don't think this will be the last as well. It's not that I liked this guy to begin with. I thought, let's give this a try. But fact is, he lied. And really, I am angry at myself yet again for being so naive...

Yes yes, this is boring stuff... Nothing juicy but something that bothered me more than I would ever admit. While writing this post, I checked out postsecret.blogspot.com...

Credits: Postsecrets.blogspot.com

I'm not feeling sorry for myself I promise but this is just too weird because this one secret sorta concludes how I feel about this whole situation that I myself don't really understand.

And here I am, back to square one...

and so I can finally sleep... restlessly

Listening to: Billy Joel - Lullaby & Robert Pattinson - Never Think
Feeling: Sleepy

I am getting a little desperate because I'm about to finish Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun. Sigh.. What am I gonna do?

And, I am pissed off. Maybe I should really take some anger management classes... or something.

T^T

and fuck you too...

Listening to: Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
Feeling: Icky...

Point to ponder...

To be nice only to know later on that people think you're an idiot...

OR

To be mean only to be called a bitch?

Sometimes life really a sonofabitch

I wish I am in Forks Washington!

Twilightitis

Listening to: Paramore - I caught myself
Feeling: OHNO-ish



Am reading the Twilight saga now and I wish I am 19 again. While age never really mattered to me, this stupid story (that I dearly love) made me wish I'm in college again. I feel so unhealthy!

It was scary when Seems & WP started obsessing about Twilight and all I could do was look at their emails and grimace, wondering if this two perfectly sane and sensible people have gone nuts. Having read the books, I totally understand why they went nuts, I'm standing at the brink of insanity too!

Edward is a gentlemen every straight girl (and not-so-straight guys) would want. Stephenie Meyer must have been looking for an Edward too when she wrote the Twilight saga.

I think the only reason why Twilight's sales skyrocketed because every hot blooded girl wants an Edward in their life! I mean, even all the obasans are going ga-ga over him. I never thought the name Edward could be hot, but now I'm thinking I should name my kid Edward. Tee hee...

When can I find my Edward?

Back to reading Eclipse (and downloading more Twilight related wallpaper)!

Edit: HOMYFUCKINGGAWD, he sings too!!!

Overactive imagination

Listening to: Clazziquai - I will give you everything
Feeling: Like shit

OK this whole gym regime thing is kinna killing me, but in a good way I think... When I'm on the bloody cardio machine, set to an hour at level 4, I keep thinking of the ways I can parade around that bitch in the office in a woozah outfit + toned body. FUCK YOU!

OK, I rarely hate people that much but when I do, I HATE THEM. Think Hitler.

And really, sometimes I space out and think of the violent things I really wanna do to her; like kneeing her in her face. OH! Or pulling out her hair. OUCH! Or punching her flat nose. Haha.. I'm scaring myself but it sure feels good to imagine. Helps that I got a pretty good imagination.

It's Friday tomorrow and I am glad! Means I can somehow eat something NOT tuna or chicken. Damn, I hope I'm not growing sick of chicken too cause that would mean I will eat NOTHING.

T^T

All for the better good. Think positive Pink, positive!

Anyhoos, company trip kambing up soon. It's to Pangkor (not the Island Resort though I wish) and AH, the sea, the sea! I wanna get a tan. Here's to hoping I can quietly read my book on the beach with a Pina Colada and ciggies.

I need a holiday! And I think Japan is canceled T^T I wanna go Japan!

sigh... off to bed.

Operation DHPW - Progress

Listening to: Thunder!
Feeling: Yay! It's raining!

Huzzah! It's raining!

And yes, I'm officially back to blogging again... Last year was a shameful year for my blog... With only a pathetic 42 post for the whole fucking year... I am gonna post more than that within the next few months I promise!

Anyways, reason being is... I feel like talking to myself more nowadays... If lappie behaves, I might be able to blog till Operation Dream House Pink Walls is completed! Then I am getting a desktop (hopefully a Mac T^T)

It's gonna be a good year I'm telling you. Came home today to a cheque I thought I would never get... And it's raining! Praise the Lord!

Checked ODHPW's website and found out that our future crib has walls now! Goodness!!! Another 10 months to completion!

*Pinches self to see if dreaming...*

OUCH!

Not dreaming!

Ah... off to bed!!!

Otanjyoubi Omedetou!

Listening to: Joss stone - The Chokin' Kind
Feeling: Extra weepy

After bitching some some, let me blog about my bday celebrations... tee hee

Celebration 1~
zozo, seems, loshy threw me and jojo a pool party. Well, it was supposed to be a pool party in lolo's place, but it rained. so in the end, we settled for pot luck. I miss them!!! Zozo made pasta. she should cook all the time. It was so fucking good!!!

Celebration 2~
Went out with co.bday girl, Gem for a countdown and Big D, Panda, mamasan and Vnie joined us! Got mighty embarrassed by their lovely and loud Bday song singalong outside starfucks. Loverly!

Celebration 3~
The big day~ Went for Jap class and sensei got me a amamori. For love, she says. Koi no kami sama... Onegaishimasu! Big D, Panda, mamasan, Vnie, Eunice, Eleen, Jhan bought me Korean food... Protein ma~ Wanted to go home and sleep initially but Panda asked... and I thought, what the hey... turned out to be a wonderful day!

Celebration 4~
Fun, Jye, Nini, DickON, Zoey and sarah brought me and Gem out for dinner at Bijou. I LOVE BIJOU! I love them all too... But all love for Fun and Jye who pooled money to sponsor me a DsLite in Pink. LOVE ALL AROUND!

Celebration 5~
Was supposed to go to the Butterfly Park with Nicmylifebouy, Joethecarebear, Taniaprincess, Bryanthecleobachelor and Ollietheconfusedstarfish but due to the crappy haze, adjourned to Delicious in 1utama. Will not give up in my quest to wear my pink floppy hat so we promised to make another date after the haze clears.

Apart from discussions about getting me a tuna cake, I had a loverly bday!! OK, well the tuna cake wasn't that bad... but I'll remember that for a long time! I'm 27! 3 more years to go!

Love to everyone who wished me!

I know I have not been posting as much as I should but laptop is pooping on me. Battery died and I am just lazy to reset the damn time everytime I bloody switch the laptop on. Now contemplating if I should get a desktop before we move to ODHPW. Initial plan was to wait till I'm all settled in and for me to get a desktop but now I'm praying that MaccyBaby will last till then.

Fingers all crossed.

Blog more.

Live long and prosper. *randomness, but I'm in love with spock. Bite my earsss!!*squeeelllllls*

Looking for someone

Listening to: Kangta & Vaness - 127 Days
Feeling: Weepy~

I am an idiot!! I forgot my key today and the whole family was out with Fan Yee and family for a seafood dinner. I had to spend 4 hours waiting for them to get back before I could get back into the cool comforts of my room.

Was out with Gem for mani & pedi session and after we finished we headed to Pick & Brew for some coffee and ciggies and sat there bitching until 7.30pm when she had to go for dinner with Biscuit. Only realised I had no keys around 7pm but mom was already out by then...

Was trying to think of someone I could call out to fill four hours but decided to stay at Pick & Brew to read the Chicken soup for the soul at work Gem gave me (thanks Gem, lovelove). By the time I finished the book, yes i finished the book, 1U was already closing and I had no where to go.

Didn't want to disturb anyone either cause all I wanna do is to go home and sleep. I really, really, really wanted at that point of time, someone I coud call. Maybe hide out in that person's house for a little while I rant and rave about how stupid I was to leave keys in my room when I already knew everyone was gonna be away! ARGH!

It's sad when you realise that there is no one to call and nowhere to hide...

I want to hide!

My December

Listening to: Princess Mononoke soundtrack
Feeling: Is there anything to look forward to anymore?

Dear all,

It's been a long time since I last blogged and boy had it been a crazy one. I think nothing can describe 'crazy' apart from the word shit. This must be as bad as it can get.

First off a friend of mine jumped and died. From what god knows...

Then my grandma's condition worsened. Then two months down the road, she went peacefully in her sleep. Well, at the very least she went in her sleep peacefully.

Then my favourite grand aunty went too.

All this within two months.

Wait, it gets better.

Problems with money, bills, dad and extended family.

Money earned from extra work goes straight somewhere else. I can just forget Japan NOW.

I wonder somehow now if there is a god. And if there is, what did we do to deserve this? I question my very existence.

If this continues, is there even a reason to live anymore? There is nothing to look forward to, nothing to celebrate.

I just feel so damn tired. I hate this part right here...

And I hope the only way is up from now onwards...

The Love(s) of My Life

Listening to: Nothing
Feeling: A little sleepy


Don't you just love Friday nights? It's the beginning of a great day. Yes, it's Saturday.

It gives me that tingly feeling that starts from my toes and I crinkle my nose. The feeling always shows. Will be a happy, happy weekend. Caden's full moon party. (Wait for 'em pictures!!!) Going up to the hilltop for drinks again... A full sunday without thinking about anything else! Love, love, love!

Anyway, I am terribly addicted to this game...



I know, I know it's an old one but I only had time to start on it after God Of War... It is terribly idiotic and nonsensical but hey, it makes me sleepy!

I am also addicted to this extremely

hot

funny

incredibly sexy

MAN.

Did I say sexy? Hot? Funny, Witty & Intelligent? And he's a MAN?

God, how am I ever gonna get a boyfriend if my idea of a man is Gerry Butler?

And with these blessed images in my head, I will continue Me & My Katamari.

Good night and happy weekend!

W... T... F??!!??

Listening to: A/C
Feeling: WTF-ed

I'm sure most Malaysians who stayed home today to catch the finals of the Men's Badminton singles finals would have the same thoughts as I did.

It lasted almost 40 minutes and every single god-damned minute was painful, embarrassing and equally mortifying.

I mean, 40 minutes for a gold medal?

Really, our pizzas took longer to arrive.

On the 17.08.08, 9.30pm every Malaysian sitting in front of the telly had only 3 alphabets in their minds.

It was W... T... F...

Unbelievable.

Nightmare on Crazy street

Listening to: Loveholic - Chara's Forest
Feeling: Pissed off

Yes, as I have mentioned I went to bed after I finished publishing the post at about 8.50ish pm. About ten minutes after falling asleep, I was rudely woken up by a loud banging. Then another and a few more within the next 5 minutes.

I already knew that this was my crazy neighbor so I went downstairs to check what the fuck was going on. And the banging went on and on. First she'll slam the front door. Then she runs (hope she trips) to the back and slams the kitchen door. Then she runs upstairs (hope she rolls down the stairs and break her leg) to slam the room doors.

The reason why she's doing all that? Another neighbor from the next street drove up to our house and stopped his car in front of our house to tell my dad (who collects the monthly fees for the guards in our area) that his next door neighbor's house got broken into and sort of overstepped onto her part of the ROAD. Yes, you read right. It was on the ROAD. The FUCKING ROAD. Can you believe it? I know I couldn't believe it.

It was seriously fucking incredible that she went and popped a vein over something as stupid as that. Well, in the past she has popped few other veins over things as equally stupid. Like people making a three point turn in front of her house.

Or like when my brother said goodbye to my mom. Fucking incredible.

I am uber pissed too that mom & dad refuses to let me make a bloody police report for grievance. Or disturbing the peace. Things like that. Pissed off. But good news is that we're shifting sometime soon. Hope the next neighbor is crazier than her.

That's it for now. I have dinner to eat!

A moment of Realization

Listening to: Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
Feeling: Stupid

I suspect me not being able to sleep is linked to the fact that I am stupid and lonely.

I should get a life.

And stop thinking 2 hours before 12am.

Living like a princess

Listening to: Piped music
Feeling: High class

And so my spa review got pushed to tomorrow and I am here with nothing to do till tomorrow. I'm just waiting for my Mukodono to finish loading and I'm gonna run back to my comfy room and just chill there till dinner!

Mandarin Oriental is officially effing coolass. The King and Queen of Jordan is in the house... Room's got a nice view. They have Asprey bath range in the room. And uber comfy king sized bed! Can live like this forever can or not? Only poo-poo is that I can't connect my mac laptop in the room. Boo!

I'm in the Club Lounge now (they serve coffee and scones for tea with wifi access and CAN smoke!) waiting and waiting. Lucky brought my laptop if not I'll be stuck with nothing to do!

This week is turning out to be mighty fine!

Catastrophe

Listening to: Kelly Clarkson - The Trouble With Love Is
Feeling: I should be doing my work or sleeping...

Just got back from a drink with Fun and Jye and something weird happened. Everything was fine and dandy and suddenly rain started falling. And a gust of wind and all of a sudden we could smell this horrible hazy smell.

It's so odd. Even though the weather was erratic but this is just plain weird.

Last Monday, I was in Jarred & Rawlins in Bukit Damansara with Zoe and Sums for lunch and we felt a tremor. Like someone heavy walking pass. And I thought, ah must be the construction next door but Zoe grabbed my arm and said, 'OMFG, did you feel that? That's an earthquake!" and freaked out.

OK, we're in PJ? And uhm.. chances of experiencing an earthquake is like, maybe NIL?

"No, Fa I swear, I felt an earthquake before and that was it. That swaying feeling."

Well, I have to admit that we were seated on solid ground and the swaying was not exactly like anything else I've ever felt before. I had to agree with Zoe that it might be an earthquake. We went back to our offices and tried checking online to see if anyone else felt that but no one else did. Fushigi ne?

With these horrible disasters happening all around the world, Myanmar and China being hit with terrible catastrophe, I couldn't help but wonder if it's God's way of saying, 'Shut the fuck up and enjoy what you still have because it's gonna be the end of the world soon.'

Really scary thought but, who knows?

Shou ga nai.. We're so selfish. Thinking that we can conquer earth must be the stupidest mistake we've ever made since the philosophers think they can decipher what the stars meant.

Do your part. Know that you're only renting this space on earth from God. One day, your leasehold contract with God will end and you're outta here. You don't own anything.

Jdrama Addiction

Listening to: Texas - Say what you want
Feeling: Like I need a drink

I had nothing much to do over the weekend so I decided to trawl crunchyroll.com (obviously the best thing ever since sliced bread and a/c). Finished watching Sayonara Zentsubo Sensei and had nothing else to watch, except for some dramas I had bookmarked from before.

Random clicking happened and by chance, just by chance, I came upon 'My Boss, My Hero'. Haiyo... so damn corny I thought but what the hey... the synopsis was pretty cute, (yakuza tough guy forced to go to high school... hrmm OK) so clicked on the first episode and did not look back... I mean... COMEON!!!

LOOK AT THIS!!!


My Boss, My Hero

This guy, I swear to God. Is evil. He charmed me at first frame!


Anyone this insanely good looking should be locked away and sent to me. I will educate them

Mr Nagase Tomoya is my latest obsession.

He's the lead singer for TOKIO. He used to be a backup dancer for some hot group as well. And he acts really well. Ugh... and oh so pretty! Why am I not born in Japan? AND on top of all that... He used to date Ayumi Hamasaki. Got dumped though.. Boy, he can sure come and cry on MY shoulder. Le sigh...

Look at this!!!


God is so unfair sometimes. Ayumi must had been acting on a moment of craziness to dump this SNAG!

And yeah, so that's my new obsession at the moment. Bear with me until this phase ends. And now I'm off to watch more Mukodono!

At the Meat Market REAL Crazy Sale

Listening to: Fiona Sit - Keanu Reeves Returns Letter
Feeling: Tired


Over the weekend, me, Fun and Sarah N were in town for the L'Oreal Luxury Brand sale. We waited for about half an hour and I initially didn't want to buy anything as I have pretty much everything I need at home. But as time passed, I was waiting in line thinking if I don't buy anything from that god damned sale I am just effing queuing up for nothing right?

And so after leaving our bags outside *I see loads of LVs splayed next to generic knockoffs aka Vinccis outside at the bag counter.. tee hee* we entered the ballroom. For a moment, I thought we were transported to the Afghanistan refugee camp. There were people everywhere. Huddling in long lines around the counters, queuing up to pay for their purchases and on the floor. Me and the girls decided to go around looking for our own stuff and meeting up somewhere in between. Hurry! The skincare stuff were selling out.

Sarah N and Fun beelined for the perfume table while I went to look for Cin aka Hawtmama's Biotherm skincare stuff. You see, I thought I might not buy anything so I offered to get her some stuff. And so I walked over and asked. Apparently that particular range ran out.

Walked around dodging crazed females grabbing their favourite lip colour at 70% off is quite hard. Imagine stray bullets hurtling past panicky people. Disaster. I was amazed to see guys grabbing Lancome Homme stuff amongst girls trying to get their hands on the latest Lancome perfume sets going for cheap. It was quite scary.

At the Shu Uemura counter, people were lined 3 deep from the table, trying to grab foundations (RM60) and eyeshadows (RM25). I didn't even get to go near the table in the beginning.

I was starting to think that everything was actually free. So since I didn't get to buy stuff for Cin, my fingers started feeling itchy. I didn't need cosmetics so I skipped that counter *unless you're equipped with special guards, there is no way you escape the crowd without bruises* and looked for the haircare section. Turns out they were selling shampoos. That one I need...

Looked around some more and nearly giggled to see bored boyfriends sitting on the dirty carpeted floors, keeping their feet away from the trampling of high-heeled elephants. At last I spied my favourite Biotherm White Detox C+ peel going only for RM30. GRAB GRAB. Took two of those and recommended it to Fun and Sarah N who I found trying to worm their way in front of the Shu Uemura counter.

I came out from the hall RM150 poorer and half dead. I wonder how people manning the counters managed to survive the carnage! Fun and Sarah N collectively spent about RM400 in there. Finally took a sigh of relief the moment we got out of the lobby... No more! No more I swear... *Dramatic drumroll* I've gotten my 2 year supply of that fantastic White Detox C peel and will swear off sales for the next few years.

Also spotted inside the madhouse, Kenny Sia who bought some Lancome Homme stuff holding on to some chick trying to maneuver out.

While I sustained injuries to my wallet, Fun got her calf scratched as some rabid shopper squeezed between them with her bag of products behind her. Ouch.. It bled pretty badly... Wondered again if this was worth buying your favourite lotion at 50% off.

It's a mad mad world.

I wish I blog more

Listening to: Norah Jones - Nightingale
Feeling: Filled with HOPE


Chinese New Year came and is now coming to an end. The year of the Rat is so far so good!

Nothing much happened these few weeks. I guess after that angst-filled post (I blame it on the pre-crimson wave) I have felt much better. In fact, felt better after a day. It's funny how I get so angry and the next second feel fantastically mellow. Another mysterious trait of the Gemini?

Go figure...

Chinese New Year flew by with my PsP. I love my PsP.

Valentine's Day is not such a big fucking deal this year. Got used to it? Not sure... Went my aunt's place to 'Pai Tin Gong' (the eve of the 9th day of Chinese New Year, a Hokkien big all day. Read all about it here...) and gambled some. Every year, our whole family will gather in my Aunty Fan's house for this Hokkien celebration to ask for blessings from the heavens. (though we are Hakka... nothing wrong with extra blessings right?) To Aunty Fan's husband, this celebration is extremely important and there will be, without fail, a mother of all pigs roasted to crisp perfection on the altar. And right after all that joss stick burning and asking for 4D numbers, that pig will be chopped up and divided amongst all the guests... Almost like Hari Raya Korban, except for the pig. (instead of a cow) We would of course get Aunty Wan, to fire up the wok to bang up some sugar and soy sauce siu yuk. Really, no one does it better than her. *hearts*

As Valentine's Day coincided with this auspicious day, I guess someone took that as a sign to propose to his girlfriend la... As me and bro drove down the LPD to get our ass to our aunt's place, we saw a hugeass billboard with a picture of a geeky guy holding a ring (a RM14K ring, we found out later on national newspaper. Hope it's Tiffany!) with just two lines on it.

'KELLY TAN X XXX WILL YOU MARRY ME?'

Me and bro face faults... ciggies dropped. What the... this kinda cute geek (after thought laaa) just spent about RM20k (RM40k as the national newspaper reported day after) on a billboard to propose? I would had said Yes without him even asking... Kelly is a lucky girl (all female population in Malaysia nods in agreement)

Felt so J ok... But my mission is to look for a man first la... How to get proposal if no man kan?

Anyhooosss

Back to me... Found out that both Aunt Jess and Aunt Jackie are coming back this year! How's that for a Happy New Year? Also found out that Aunty Jackie reads my blog...

Holla Aunty Jackie! And if you're wondering if Mom and Dad knows if I smoke. They do. Grandma doesn't. Please don't tell! Grandma thinks I'm 6 this year, and sometimes denial is bliss! I don't want her to disown me.

And discovered that a long break does wonders to your work productivity. I am happy to announce that I don't have writer's block anymore. Loving it!

Got bored with facebook. Realized that after I took down my hawt picture people don't want to add me as friends anymore and no one clicks on me in the 'Are you interested?' application.(used to get on an average 5 a day) Feel so disgusted by fake people ok...

Went back to the gym today after a one month hiatus. It's a terrible feeling ok? I felt so tired and my lungs weren't cooperating with me after that! I swear not to slip out of the routine ever again! The start-up part is just too hard! While pedaling my life away, saw a special on cockroaches... Can you believe there are people who keep these disgusting things as pets? And it takes two weeks of radiation to kill them completely? (as opposed to human, two days) And they can live without their heads for a week and only because they are not getting any water as they have no mouths to drinks? Female roaches can produce up to 10 thousand offsprings in their lifetime? And their average lifespan is 2 years and are mature to mate after 6 months?

Eww...

Peeps, you heard it from Pinky first!!!

And, developed an unhealthy addiction to MADtv and Bobby Lee (super kawaii!). Can't sleep because I wanna watch them all. Man this is bad!

Meeting tomorrow's at 9.30am, which means I need to be in the office by 8.30am to get everything in place.That means I should be awake by 7.30am It's 2.34am now.

7.30-2.34 = 4.56 hours = I'm fucked

Nights and till the next update...

This stinks

Listening to: Rie fu - Tobira
Feeling: sad


This must be the mother of all bad days...

First, whatever I had written in my first post.

Then when I thought I should cheer myself up by watching a nice episode of D.Grey Man, latest episode not uploaded yet.

And so I thought, maybe watch Marimite... but damn internet is slow. Bloody slow

Just when I thought it would not get any worst, I reached into my ciggie box and there it was, my last stick.

You know when they say 'When it rains, it pours?' It's true...

I wonder which God's tail I've stepped on recently.

Kusai....

Crossroads, T-Junctions, One Ways...

Listening to: Rie fu - Until I say
Feeling: Angry, sad, disappointed, annoyed & all of the above.


God!

Have you ever felt like, you know... you're at the crossroads of your life? How does that feel like? Maybe like, you literally see them? Or like, it's there is a flash of lightning and you KNOW you're there... This dreaded crossroad? Or maybe, T-junction... whatever

This sucks... for some reason I can't talk about what had happened but it had totally effected me emotionally like BAD. I mean, like, do you realize the amount of 'like's I am putting in this post?

I am so fucking bummed. I don't know if anyone else could understand the feeling... Well maybe not cause no one else got what I got. I feel...

Hrm...

Cheated.

Insulted.

A failure.

Disgusting.

Angry at the powers that be.

Helpless...

Ultimately, angry at myself.

Really, this is not how it is supposed to be. Putting in so much effort, time, blood, sweat and tears gave me only this? Am I so undeserving? Major blow to my self-esteem is all I can say.

I UGH... feel like crying! I want to cry. But why? I am crying because of this?

God damned!

Yeah, so back to the crossroads... I am thinking of which way to head to. should I stay or should I go? Left or right? Up or down?

I hate this feeling of being uncertain about something. Like, you're given the choice of having chicken or beef as part of your set lunch and you know you love both... But are you sure you want the chicken? You might want the beef though... You might regret... Ugh. Hate that feeling.

*OK, that didn't really make sense*

Whatever that is... I think I will never be confident of myself anymore. And I thought I might have ONE percent of my much needed confidence. All shattered... Within 10 minutes of my life.

Plunge a knife through my heart now.

I am so sick...

And so tired...

Feel useless and unappreciated.

Right now, just feeling unhappy, demotivated and angry at the world. Let me be for a while.

*fuh*