The Big C

Listening to: Mariah Carey-It's like that
Feeling: Scared, Lost and Confused

So yeah, it was weird, but about two weeks ago I found a scab on my right breast and I was pretty scared because first thing that hit me was those scary ass pictures circulating on email about breast cancer. Then, I thought about what I would do if I would really get the big C. Would I or would I not go for chemo and would I have a mammogram. Would I? I said no then, but then after this morning, I think I would.

I was pretty obsessed over the scab (which finally healed after a week or so) and I told Gem, Nic and a colleague of mine. Gem asked her mom and her mom told her that if the scab has discharge I should see the doctor right there and then. Which to tell the thruth, there is. I am freaked. Though I didn't show, I was totally freaked.

This morning, I was examining the scab again and I was feeling for lumps, which I didn't find in the past and suddenly I thought I felt something that wasn't there a few days ago. Maybe it was a figment of my imagination or maybe it was because I am about to have my period but realization hit me like a ton of bricks. And for the first time in my life, I felt so scared and helpless, I was shaking. I could swear my life flashed before my eyes, and I thought you only feel things like this when you are about to die. I felt frustration, sadness, sudden loneliness and such helplessness. All I could think of was, why me? And I was not even sure that I have it.

It was the longest 3 minutes of my life. I thought of my job which I love, things I am supposed to do, people I was supposed to meet and friends I love and finally, my family. What about them? Would I live long enough to see my brothers have kids? Or am I gonna live long enough to get married or see most of my friends getting married. Or save enough money for my sister's education. Not that I know for a fact that I have it, but just the thought of I COULD get it. I shudder thinking of it now.

Should I go for a checkup? I am afraid of the answer that I might receive. Maybe I should just live my life as it is and not going for the god damned checkup and if I really do die, let it be quick. I am pledging my organs again, because the last time I did, I didn't recieve the organ donor's card.

But just in case I do die anytime soon, I want everyone to know that I love them very much.