Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Black & Whites

Listening to: Sarah Bareilles - Love song
Feeling: Funny

I was sitting in our usual mamak place at Hartamas, which we christened '24' because of a certain store in Japan. Long story to that, we'll skip it for another time. So back to the mamak. I just happened to glance up onto the plasma TVs they have hanging by a corner and saw a quote from a certain famous person (I think it was Albert Einstein, bless his soul)

'If you want people to hate you, start changing'

It struck me as funny because it's so true! I wanted to start laughing and crying at the same time how true it was. I remembered when someone once told me that 'maybe Ex Company changed you'. I guess I did and as far as I know, it was a change for the better. I am striding forward in confidence. I am sorry I have left you behind, because this move had been for my own good.

To be very honest, much things had happened over this one month. I've never felt so bad about something like this before. It is hard writing this down because I have been humiliated in the worst possible way.

I've been called a liar, a shit stirrer, fake, a back stabber, immature, irresponsible and many more along that line. I was also told that I 'need so much work on being a human being' and 'so flawed that I don't even realise it'.

It was painful initially because all these were said by a 'friend'. At least I thought he (yes this was said by a guy. Not all bitches need to be female!) was a friend. Little did I know that this 'friend' had hated every moment with me for the past year or so. And yes, all that pent up anger was unleashed within a short week. Imagine the intensity. I never thought anyone could be so angry. And I never thought anyone would hate me that much. At least I know this person's got major anger management problems. And after giving it some thought, I got even more pissed because whatever that had been said is HIM who has been acting the way he said I did! (well, maybe not all but out of 10 maybe 6?)

It was disappointing and hurtful. Maybe I was being like someone who thought the world loved. And me being me 'don't get it when other people don't like them.' In short, I'm being thick faced. I might sound defensive but really...?

I don't know if anyone should feel this way, but I can tell you it really feels as though you're the scum that feeds from the bottom of the sewer. It feels shitty. And if you're only a little depressed, you might have jumped the building or crossed the street with a razor already. The bright side of this? At least I know who my friends and enemies are.

Do you know how betrayal feels then? I know a few people who refused to trust anyone anymore because of past incidences. Whatever happened had left a scar of distrust and bitterness in these people. They might not necessarily talk about what happened but they will never have another friend whom they will tell their deepest darkest secrets to anymore.

Like I said, I never understood why and I never thought it would happen to me. It's because I've got such good friends. Right. Or so I thought. I feel lucky because I still have friends who did and still will stick by me thick and thin and will give me a slap in the face whenever needed.

What I didn't know that there are also some people that are hypocritical and selfish. I am not gonna be nasty about what happened. I will just simply fade away from their lives.

Maybe some people might think that by writing about this in my blog might garner some sympathy votes, let me tell you now that I don't need them. Letting off steam on my blog is something that I can and will do all the time. I will not sugar coat or water down my feelings. I type with my eyes closed with my heart.

From now onwards I will not care what people I don't care about think about me. If you like me, smile and say hi once in a while. If you don't fuck off. The line is clear. Let's not pretend to play friends and maliciously talk about someone the moment back is turned. Let's be honest about our feelings. At least I was. At least I didn't use anyone as last resort, as a communication tool, as the link to things lost...

Just leave me alone. I need to rid myself of poison from my life.

There are just too many things I want to talk about here. But what's the point in explaining? Go figure...


YSCHAN said...

It doesn't read like you've changed.
love you.
hate you.

4 Leaf Clover said...

memang kakak dengan adik.
perangai sama.
bagus i suka. <3

xiao-ahmei said...

we (ur ex-colleagues) still love u!!!