Jack of all trades and master of none

Listening to: The Bee Gees - Massachusetts
Feeling: Confusion


Sometimes I wonder if I'm what people call 'phun thong sui' literally translated as half a bucket of water. This term is usually applied to people who learn things halfway and abandon them for something new.

Like how I'm constantly reminded by my mom that I had wasted nine years worth of classical ballet training on whim. 'Phun Thong Sui' she would say. Wasted my money and time we had to spend sending you to ballet classes. Sigh... *I've always wondered why my brother who had spent nine years studying the guitar had never gotten the same talk. They had stopped guitar too*

So yeah. Recently Sarah S had asked me if I wanted to try out something that I really want to do but have no experience in. I had been doing fashion and home decor but not this one thing that she had asked me to try out. Thing is that I am just picking up on what I am doing and apparently I am doing pretty well. I say apparently because I really have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I have to admit that whenever people tell me that I'm good, I usually think they are just being nice or they are just trying to console me.

It's bad I know. What's left of my self esteem is at an all time low.

So back to my predicament...

The two people that I confided in told me to go for it. I know I should but all I can think of is the problems I might face. What if I can't live up to their expectations? What if Sarah S sees my work and is disappointed in me? After all, she told me she's got faith in me. Problem is that I don't have faith in myself. I can imagine myself failing and going back to my old self. 'Phun thung sui' I can even hear my mom saying that.

What if I can't cope with the workload?

What if I can't meet deadlines?

What if they feel like they've made a horrible mistake?

What if I can't live up to their expectations?

What if they don't like me?

Man... I am like super confused now. But I guess I'll try. After all, this is what I really, really want to do.

I wish someone could actually tell me how I am doing... that someone could let me know on a scale of one to ten, one being really good and ten being really bad, how good I am in what I do. Guess that'll happen come assessment day.

Scared!