Friday, August 04, 2006

One of those moments.

Listening to: Kanye West - All falls down
Feeling: Melanchonic

With sis's recent achievements, my parents are walking around with proud looks on their faces which I don't blame them for. I get kinda teary eyed too when I watch my sister perform. *She plays the guzheng by the way*

But last week, sis won this competition sponsored by this local TV station, mom practically flipped her wig. Firstly, she got nearly everyone with the same surname to watch the competition on TV. Then she got everyone with the same surname as her to watch the competition on TV. Then she managed to convince all my cousins, twice removed, to watch the TV program. And then she got ALL of my brother's friends to watch the competition on TV. I am suspecting she got some of the mamak stalls to tune into the TV station at that time.

Which was totally fine by me. Heck, I wish that mom would get everyone we know to buy Her World just cause I write for it. Until I realized that I bought tickets for Pirates of the Caribbean on the same day and will miss the broadcast. Mom didn't know that I will miss that precious broadcast because she's back in Seremban. I do truly regret it but then, I've bought the tickets already. So I went on with my plans...

Everything went well until the following Monday when we got together for dinner. They were gushing about sis as usual. Blah blah blah, and then mom turned to me and said...

Mom: Everyone supported sis so much...

Me: Ahuh

Mom: So did you watch it?

Me: *feeling really guilty and shit* Uh... No

Mom: What sort of sister are you anyway? Everyone, even your cousins called everyone they knew to watch her. And you as a sister did not?

Me:*shrinking into the size of an ant* But I bought tickets for a movie before I got to know about this

Mom: So? This is a once in a lifetime thing. Can't you forgo your stupid movie?

I was about to protest and say, 'But it's Orlando Bloom. You can't forgo Orlando Bloom.' when I realized that would sound extremely bad on me and decided to shut the fuck up and finished dinner in silence.

Suddenly I was transported back to the time I was about 10. It was my first Christmas ballet recital and we had practiced extra hard for it. Mom had grumbled when I told her that the costume would cost her about RM80 but she paid for it anyway. I had to save about RM30 to buy a ticket for my dad because I really wanted him to watch me, the prancing ballerina. I had to beg him to come to the concert. Mom thought the ticket was too expensive and told me not to get her a ticket.

I remembered I was backstage, peeping through the curtains checking to see if dad was there already. Ours was the third routine. It was all really exciting, smell of sweat and makeup all mixed up with the smell of the stage. Everyone's parents were there. Some helped to put on makeup, some just stood around, snapping pictures of their kid in cute costumes. Dad was still not there.

When it was finally time to start, our group filed onto the darkened stage and I frantically scanned the crowd and I saw Dad. He looked pretty bored and I think he was kinda drunk. The music started and I remembered dancing as I had never danced before. When it was all over, I looked at dad's direction again and I saw him clapping. I remembered that I felt so proud of myself and when he came over at the end of the recital, he said these words 'Let's go, I'm bored and tired.' I could smell that he had a few after work drinks too many. I had never felt so disappointed in my whole entire life. When I got home, mom didn't even ask how it went. I went up to my room and didn't come down till the next day.

It's just one of those moments when you wonder if you've really been adopted or picked up from the dustbin. Really, I thought I should run away and be the gypsy I was supposed to be. *that idea was courtesy of Enid Blyton books.*

Maybe mom and dad hated the idea of me doing ballet in the first place, and loved the fact that sis is excelling in something they liked. But I am glad that she is getting so much support from my parents. I'll just go on with my gypsy ways. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.


Penguin said...

Sometimes, all we think is the woefully "me".I felt touched by your entry... I can remember my moment too. I think it was when I got elected to be Leo President and that year, we won the Top Club and I was accorded the Top Leo President, although mom was only accustommed to "Hey.. study, keep the Leo's activities another time." But I goes on doing it till today... although she never said it, I know she supported me, then again, me being me, I prefer her to be there then. Standing in the crowd and cheering and calling me each time I succeeded.

Now, I learn it is not about me... it is about going out there doing what we believe and love whether or not anyone support us. Just do it because we love it and we cherish it. As for your sis, I know in your heart, you support her. I guess that is more important than anything else. It is like loving something and not just singing praises about it while not meaning it. :)

Pinkity said...

You're right. I do truly support my sis though I do not really show it. I've been to all her performances and I think I clapped the hardest even though they speak in Mandarin and I don't really understand. That's in a way unconditional love, shown the chinese way.

As for this whole 'me' thing, it was something that was bugging me for the longest time and it feels so much better now that I got it out of my system. I do not hate my dad for what happened, hey at least he was there. It's odd how I still remember the whole incident so clearly. I still do as though it happened yesterday.

Support do mean a lot to me, it's the drive that makes you push harder. Support from parents is the ultimate drive, for me.

And I do know that my parents love me, just that they don't show it in ways I thought they would. And oh, I've also verified that I was not picked up from the dustbin. :p

* Dream Weaver * said...

i wuv you and i is proud of you.
i guess everyone has their gypsy moments in life and i still get that way. parents sometimes just dont quite know how to show emotions and etc. and to be honest, they can be quite "selective" when they lavish attention sometimes - thats life i guess. i realised earlier in life (as i dont truly excel in anything), that it is always best to just do things that make you happy. things that make you hold your head up high with a grin on your face and no one can quite touch you up there because its your life and you can do jolly well what you want. so i say "dance away little gypsy ballerina"...

ms3h0n said...

no worries babe. i guess every child goes through an "i must have been adopted" moment. just be glad that you still have your parents arouns to support you and be by your side (tho they're not really good at showing it). i guess with age, your parents are more understanding towards their child's achievements, as compared to when you were 10. and since munn is the youngest, they tend to show more love towards her. not that they don't love you but just that they think it's time to let go and you have been so independent all this while so munn is considered the "baby" and the one they can go "ahh and ohhs" over.

trust me, they still love you. i know i love my parents but i don't know if they know it or not cos i don't show it. and dad being the one who's always out (so am i), we hardly speak. mum being in another house, even more so we hardly speak. but that doesn't mean i don't think and worry about them. but being asian and chinese, i'm not the huggy-wuggy and kissy-wissy kind. deep down, i know they know i love them and deep down, you know your parents love you.

but all said and done, you still got your good friends to love you! *muah* *tight hug*

Pinkity said...

Guys, I love you all for the unconditional support that you all had given me ever since the start of this blog. Really, now I remembered why I didn't run away *along with the fact that I had no place to run to.. tee hee* but really, you guys had been the best...

Even without shown support from my parents, I get loads of support from friends. LOVE YOU ALL!

BTW, I still do love my parents. Didn't realize how bad I made my dad sound like. Just want to let you guys know that he don't drink anymore and I can easily outdrink him. HAR HAR HAR!