I want my rights to Love and Cry

Listening to: Ah Sang - Ye Zi
Feeling: Like a shit stirrer


I am feeling really bad now... Have you ever felt as though you want to help. Nothing else but to help but then you hit a wall and you feel as though you've made it worst?

Today, I feel like I am the worst person in this whole wide world. Not that I want sympathy from anyone or anything but it hit me that I might be the person who over-reacted.

Well, story is this *drama ensues.. consider yourself warned*

Once upon a time, P-Chan fell in love with A. P-Chan knows that A will never ever consider her, but they became fast friends. P-Chan knows that A's requirement for a girl is way too high than what she could ever be but they really do click as they liked the same things. Friends asked P-Chan if she liked A but P-Chan never did say yes because she didn't want to fall into the same trap she did a year back. So she denied and in the process, she lied to herself.

So after a year or two of drinking sessions and long nights spent talking over nonsense and topics of great importance, P-Chan brought B along for drinks one day. B clicked with A as well, she was glad as A had never liked mixing with P-Chan's group of friends. A had known B for some time but never really got to know each other, so P-Chan felt glad that they hit it off immediately.

By this time, P-Chan had confided to B that she's got some feelings for A and B had also let it slip that she's got some feelings for A too. P-Chan thought of it as nothing and just went along with things. Then P-Chan realized that A might have feelings for B too *Freaking classic right?* and confronted A only to hear A denying it.

In a way, P-Chan felt selfish and relief washed over her but she knew that both liked each other. She decided to hint A...

"If you're interested, the time is now" she said.

And A decided to try it out. B accepted.

When P-Chan got to know about it, she felt happy, sad, bitter, uncomfortable, selfish and giving at the same time...

"If it's not her, it won't be me anyway. Hope for the best."

Naturally, P-Chan decided to stay away. After all, it hurts to see A and B feeling so happy. She was ashamed she felt that way. But she did. B wanted P-Chan to be included in everything they did but what she didn't understand was the fact that P-Chan didn't want to. In the end P-Chan went along, looking away every time they hold hands or have their own private conversation.

"Couldn't B be a little more tactful and understand I can't do this?" P-Chan thought, heart breaking in tiny pieces

After that, P-Chan tries to avoid both A & B. A & B got angry, A particularly as P-Chan had always been his biggest supporter. P-Chan couldn't explain to him that she likes him and it breaks her little heart to go out with them. P-Chan knows she was the Cupid to both of them, but had no preparation to feel like so.

Back to present day...

I asked him if he was mad at me after he didn't reply to my MSN messages on SMS and he replied a whole long one asking me if I am frustrated at something. I didn't know how to explain to him so I said that I just want to give him and her space. And he replied saying that something obviously changed and that change was me. He don't want no special treatment. And he claims to know everything. (Meaning my feelings for him? No one knows) He just wants it to be normal, 'We just need to have the old you back"

That's when I got really emo... It's so granted that I can take this all in at once. It's so granted that I am alright... Since he said that he knows everything and he understands how I feel now, can't he understand that I need space and maybe the right to be sad. Can't I cry? Can't I complain? Can't I have someone's shoulder to lean on? *Thanks G, shoulder much appreciated* Sometimes I wonder if I am given the rights to feel sad...

I know I know I know that it's got nothing to do with both of them but I feel really shitty about myself now... thus why i said I am such a shit stirrer. I should have just done what I do best, act and none of this would have happened.

I am sorry for this mess...