Tuesday, June 29, 2004

What's this feeling within me?

It has been a hell of a week. Maybe an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. Somehow I am not sure what I am feeling anymore. It's been a blank piece of paper with alot of graffiti and words that are interlaced and I do not understand a single thing written on it.

Within a day, it has been a high and then a sharp jerk down. Hah.. That's what love and life is. Always offering me things and then jerking the string when it is within my reach. I thought I was giving myself a chance at love (maybe...) when someone said 'let's bring this one step further' I thought about it for a day, or maybe less, and thought, 'Why wait? I had been waiting for 4 years.. Give yourself and him a chance' And it all happenened within 3 hours.

I told Gem, 'I'm not sure. If I should wait somemore. My mind says 'Go ahead.. It's an opportunity to forget Kay. It is also giving yourself a chance.' but my heart says 'Wait.. Matte!!!' Gem replies 'You are stupid' Wooo, direct but true. That's just our style though.. And I love her for doing that.. It cleared my brains abit. And so I decided, Give ME a chance.

And just within that ONE hour of saying that to myself.. He says, 'I still like you but I am afraid of falling in love just yet.' Or something to that effect. Do you know how it feels like to fall from a 20 storey tall building? Neither do I, but I kinda figured out that it was something akin to what I was feeling at that moment in time.

Don't get me wrong. I do like him.. but not LOVE. If it was the person I love, I would have prolly locked myself in my room, blast Celine Dion's 'All by myself', smoke a pack of 20s within one hour and cry my eyeballs out.

But this person, I have made a pact with him. And I have told him that, I was afraid that this lust might turn into love. He said it wouldn't happen. But within 5 days he told me 'I think this lust is turning into love for me' and I was like 'WHAT?' He assured me if 'it is going too fast, tell me, I'd slow down' I thought... 'You must be bloody joking..' and asked him if he was serious because it is not something to be joking about. He said 'am not joking, and please dont think that I am looking for a replacement.'

Right away, I sms ed Gem, SOS SOS SOS!!! Gem was like 'I saw it coming..' On my part, I did not see it until it hit me on the face.. and that also, I hit it a few times jst to be sure... So, in all her wise ness, she said 'Sleep on it, think about it..' Slept on it, thought of it.. conclusion was (read the above) =_=;

Oh well, but honestly.. It was sweet, this feeling of being wanted by someone. After he told me 'I still like you but I am not ready to fall in love' (that was a classic I tell you) I asked if all the things he had said previously was true. He said, at that moment of time, it was true.

I'd hold on to this feeling, though it was jst for one day... Not that I liked him THAT much.. It was because of the thought that I gave myself a choice and chance...

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