Tuesday, October 04, 2005


There is this confusion inside of me, thinking

"Should I or should I not continue going out with them?"

The reason is that I cannot stand the pettiness, the nastiness hidden behind sweet smiles, the gossips (and I admit that I had contributed my share and listened to enough), the politics, the hypocrisy (which I think I have a big part to play) and heart sickness that we have amongst each other.

Fine, we do share great times together, but most of the time we bitch about each other. I tell myself that it is just constructive critism but deep down inside, I know the intentions are evil.. We bitch about each other.

Maybe it is an open secret, I bitch about you, you bitch about me, she bitches about both of us, who freaking knows? But it is a fact that we do talk about each other.

Recently, I have loads of problems in the office. I also have a few BGR (boy-girl-relationship) problems and to top it all off, I have money problems (talk about having an all rounder man). At times like these, I wanted to be alone actually. All I want to do was to go home and cry but then one or another would want to confide in me, or talk to me depending on what day it is.

Me being me, I cannot turn down invitations to go out, went out with her/him/them. And I will get pissed in the process. It might be just a small thing, like maybe someone can't decide on what to eat and this person is holding up the whole table's orders I'll get pissed. If someone needs a ride and tells me last minute and talking to me as though accusing me of not picking him/her out, I'd get pissed. If someone talks in a sarky way to me, I'd get MEGA pissed. If someone flies my kite on picking someone who lives real far last minute and expecting me to pick this person up, I'd leave early.

Maybe it is me. Wait a min.. It IS me!!! It's all about me-me-me now (sorry Gem, stole your line). That is why I rather not go out nowadays. I am in my 'I'm so kelian' stage where I want to crawl under my comforters and sleep till 8 the next morning... I don't want people to comfort or pity me because I feel crap after pity sessions.

Edit: I want to be left alone. I want to think things through. I want to get more sleep. I want to de-stress. I need to find myself once more...

P/S: This is not a call to leave me alone. Just something to tell friends that I am sorry but I might not be able to join you guys as often because I am sick and tired of everything, at the moment. You should understand that if I am missing from drinks, it is because I am trying to contain myself. I hate to suddenly burst out and start shouting at people.


Anonymous said...

ditto my love....ditto...should we wave and say goodbye for a little while to them??

LadyGem said...

who? who? who? who's them? issit me? tell me... issit me? issit? issit?


i'm being a pest now.

well, i do feel the need to be alone some times too so i totally understand how u feel and will respect it.

Deserver said...