Friday, October 07, 2005

I don't wanna know

Listening to: James Blunt - You're Beautiful
Feeling: The Blues (I know I shouldn't!! I Know, but I can't help it)

Flashback mode

A sudden sound interrupted my peaceful (not) search for images on Corbis. Flipped open my phone to see a message from SD6.

"What now?" it was involuntary but it escaped from my mouth.

'Bodo, just got back. Still at work? Hehe'

"What the fuck? What the fuck you want from me now? I don't want to fucking talk to you anymore. Because I know everytime you call me or message me, it would only mean something bad is about to happen to me" that was also involuntary. So much anger. So much bitterness.

"Yeah. Still at work, why you back?" was sent with a slight smirk.

So ladida-ladida.. mindless conversation that didn't mean anything but progressed because it was necessary ensued. 'Necessary' meaning 'layan'. And 'layan' I did.

I knew something was coming. After a while I just said that I needed to go because I had to leave the office already. And so...

'Ok then, drive safe. And... erm, I've got together with The other girl. Don't laugh.'

For a moment, it was a blank. And then there was a ringing sound in my ears and I dropped my phone on the desk. I mean, thanks alot mother fucker but that I really do NOT need on a bright sunshiny Tuesday. Fuck, fuck, fuck. That was all I could think of because I was in a state of shock, sadness and whatever that feels bad.

At that point... I thought, man.. I really don't want to know. Because what I know makes me feel crap. And so I hastily sent G a message on MSN (I was actually chatting with her at that point of time) saying that I need to go and he had sent me a message like that.

TOG. The Other Girl.

Man, what did I do in my past life to deserve this. I ran to my car, ran thinking that I should just crash into something and die. That would be less painful.

The drive home reminded me of the time he had to leave for Elsewhere. Tears blurring my sight. And it was raining. And on the radio it was playing Fish Leong's Ke She Bu Shi Ni. 'It's a pity that it wasn't you who will be with me till the end'. Great. I really needed that to remind myself of my miseries.

I know that I shouldn't have but I did cry. I hate admitting that I have yet again cried for him but then it just happened. I can't control it. Nicholas, you were right. I know you were right, but then again, things like feelings couldn't be controlled like that. I just want to take things in my own pace.

Just let me be.

I don't want to know too...

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