Timeout

Listening to: Ryan Cabrera - True

It's lunchtime in Bluinc and I'm sitting at my desk, trying to think straight. Pretty much failing. Am too sleepy. T-T *mental note to self - sleep earlier tonight*

So tummy's growling now.. gonna go buy food, come back and then continue my bitchings

Starting Anew...

Listening to: LeAnn Rimes Xmas Album
Where: Sitting me ass in the office

My, my I am feeling Xmassy today.. Went for the Quiksilver Surfpool Challenge. It was a bore. A few lengchais but darnit, they are so totally full of themselves. So excused meself and went Xmas shopping abit in Sunway Pyramid. Blew a hundred or so bucks there.. And I jst kept buying buying buying (like that BEP song) So yeah.. that was my Sunday and here I am in the office, finished what I was supposed to do but just wanna jot my day down before I leave for home and dinner.

It has been some time since I've updated my blog. Not cause I was lazy, but cause I was busy. So gonna go tru everything that had happened. Well.. actually, to think about it nothing much had been happening in my life. Maybe that is why I feel so restless..

Since my last entry, I had been thinking loads about life and about waiting for the right person. The same old same old. Work has been great. I actually look forward to come to work, weird huh? Maybe one of the reasons why is cuz I look forward to see someone here. Hah... Jay is a great guy, not that he has anything for me but I am comfy hanging out with him. Hahah... Does this mean I'm tripping over him? (as Gem would say) I dunno... maybe I am. But it feels as though it is a never ending story.. and guess what? It has not even ended and it is starting already. GodDamnit...

Maybe not.. For the moment, the feeling is mild. The feeling of falling is actually good, but I know the ending and it is shit. /swt. But it's weird in the sense that I know how it would end but I am still going into that blackhole? OHNO...

And about the waiting, I am still waiting.. I am just not sure what will happen when the wait is over and he is back. Not that anything will happen, but I guess maybe even our friendship will not be as before. I can feel it. Really.. sometimes when I talk to him he gives me one word answers. Good in the sense that I could forget him easier than before bad in the sense that if this goes on, whatever little bit of thing I had with him would turn to nothingness. I am confused. So what should I do now?

Seeing you, Missing you

Saw someone who looked like HIM the other day, and all of a sudden, I felt.. *ok, it was silly* but I felt like I miss him, LOTS. It was unnecessary, but yeah. Now that the situation has changed and I might not be able to see him till much later, I was sad. Very.

I am confused in a way. Because really, I thought I was kinda over him at a stage. Suddenly the feeling just rushed in and I am overwhelmed. Really, if I had one wish, I would wish that this feeling would go away. I never knew that loving someone would be so painful.. Take it away!

Something's wrong

Honestly if you ask me what's wrong, I do not know... I just feel something's wrong I do not really know what the hell it is.. I am in love with my job, Sarah's got her job, person that matters the most to me is showing me love (I think..) and yeah, I am at peace with myself.

Sometimes it's scary to think that I feel this way when everything's going on fine. Seems to me that I feel better when I am in hot soup or something. Maybe it's the period thing coming on or something...

Or not... hmm maybe I am jst feeling very confused. Cause person tht matters the most is treating me very nice. Just when I feel that I might let go, I feel something warm. hah... yeah I do.. I am SUCH a bloody pinhead. Sometimes I feel that I should just make sure that he hates me before I can let go.. I know for a bloody fact that me and him, no chance. Why am I still holding on to this. I dare not let go. Doesn't help when my tarots says that me and him will end up good and in the end my wish will come true.

It really hurts to think back now and see how stupid I am to feel so damn happy when I know that I am just hiding myself from the truth. I feel stupid. Smiling to myself while driving, eating or even when sleeping. I do not dare to believe what the cards say, but secretly I wish and hope that it comes true. hahah stupidity.

And on his side, doesn't really help that he treats me great. I've said this so many times, sigh... and I'm still not letting go. Sometimes I would rant about issues of love and he would give me advice and ... I dunno.. I sometimes feel like it is somehow directed to me as well as the subject of my rantings. 'Why can't she just let it go?' This scares me the most because it sounds like a call for me to stop it and he telling me that no way in a thousand years. It scares me... Because I wish and hope that the future would somehow turn out to be like how it is on the cards...

The Feeling's Mutual

Well, yesterday I sorta had a spat with him. Not about anything in particular, but just that I hated his guts for thinking that whatever I had said were just jokes. Somehow he made me feel as though whatever that had transended between us was just something that happened to amuse him throughout his holidays back here.

Honestly, if that is what he think.. damnit! Can't do anything now. I only can say that I am stupid to would have actually fallen for that.

To think of it, I never really told him how I felt about the whole incident. I know I shouldn't hold on to this and make it seem as though it is something important or someone died or something, but well, I can't help it that I think about things like this whenever I'm driving or whenever I have nothing to do. I would wonder actually, what would happen if I had not confronted him about it that day. Would he still had dragged this on? Thank goodness I did confront him actually...

So yeah, yesterday I was pretty cheesed off with him and finally spilled my guts.

'It seems like everything you've said was a joke and you've never ever taken anything seriously. Have you ever thought of what other people would feel? Obviously not. Give it a thought.'

It jst flowed out of my fingers when I typed that. That was me spilling my guts out after a few months of keeping it inside me. Previously I was afraid to bring this topic out for the fear of him thinking that I am still pining over him. Suddenly I have no patience for him anymore.. and really.. the feeling's mutual. And oh~ does it feel good after sending that sms off... Like a burden taken off my shoulders.

I won't hold anything against him, now that this burden is off my shoulders. And to think back, I was the one who was thinking if I was serious in this or not.. Now I wonder if he was serious or not. If he was, the feeling's mutual. And now that it has came to this stage, yeah, the feeling's also mutual.

People make mistakes, but why make them when you already do beforehand that it would be a mistake?

Winter Sonata Marathon

Mission - To finish Winter Sonata in 2 days (over the weekend)

Episodes to Finish - 15
Start time/date - 03 Oct 2004, 12.30am
Finish time/date - 04 Oct 2004 3.00am (estimated)
Total time - 26hours (should be 15++ hours cuz 1 episode is like 1 hour)

Amount of Food consumed - 2 packets of Instant Noodles, 1 pack of chips, 3 litres of water and 1 can of coffee
Amount of Cigs to help me stay awake - Half a pack

Tissues used - 1 pack
Amount of tears Cried - About (give/take) 2 bucket full
Hours of Sleep - (give/take) 5 Hours


fuh~ *wipes sweat* Am about to finish Winter Sonata here.. Will be continuing once I finish writing this blog on what I think about this show. Damn.. I was so determined to finish it before this weeked is over because I do not want to let my mind wander during working hours, thinking what will happen next.

So, Winter Sonata you might wonder, it was shown on national TV a year or two back, why the Winter fever now? hmmm.. I dunno hahehae but I was always a non-conformist. Plus, why watch it day by day when you can watch everything at one go? hahah That's what I think. Big thanks to Tania for her boxset =_=; I would cry if I would need to wait and watch it episode by episode.

Well, watching this show makes me think of only one thing... if true love would be so hard to obtain, I might just consider a future alone. Seriously. Yeah, I know it's dramatised in the series and all, but then to come to think of it, love does work that way. In a sick, twisted sort of way. When you think that love is working fine for you and all, it just sort of shits on you.

Makes me wonder, why would someone hurt another person in the name of love? (or God for that matter)

I have wondered as well, how would you know that you are in love with someone and how sure are you? I have once said, 'I go to sleep and I think of him, I wake up, I think of him, wondering if he is awake. When I am having my lunch, I wonder, if he is having his as well. I think about him when I see something he would have liked. And when I think of him, I smile.' Is that love?

For the uninitiated, I would have sounded like a stalker =_=; But, oh well, I am not. I just feel a lot for this certain someone.

In dramas like these, all will end well, people do not need to work. People in love eat in expensive restaurants that are obviously too expensive to eat in on a daily basis with the pay that they are getting. They fight and make up on the same day, they drive to scenic places during working hours and after hours of work, they still looked like they have just came out from the showers. (read, beautifully done hair and non stained clothes) They always have suitable type of music in the restaurant that they have dinner in. (When it is a sad conversation, the piped music will suddenly be a sad song like 'Without You' or something)

I would have to confess that after watching the whole set of Winter Sonata, I suddenly wondered that if there is perfect love like that. Is there perfect love like that? Are there people who would be willing to sacrifice so much for love? Everything is a question here. And I do not expect it to be answered....

Why are we waiting?

Me & Speed Dial No.6 were chatting today, and the subject on 'waiting' came about. Should we wait or should we not wait? Well, waiting as in waiting for our other half... And, also in the same time, is he/she worth the wait?

He came up with the theory saying that waiting wastes time. After all, we only have that many years in our life to waste. I kind of agree, but then again there are cases where the wait will test your relationship and if it pulls tru, this relationship would last.

In my honest opinion, waiting or not, it's a personal choice because in the end, if you look back and think that the wait was worth your while, that is all that matters. But if this is a blind wait (i.e. still pining for your crappy ex and/or loving that guy you know in high school but he doesn't even know of your existance) do not, after like 5 years, blame the other person for your time wasted.I think it all boils down to yourself when you have made that decision to wait. No one held a knife to your throat and said 'WAIT!!'

Me myself and I, I do not mind waiting. Doesn't matter if I've spent a few years of my life waiting. For now I think waiting for that one moment is definately worth the time spent. It's my choice. Doesn't matter that nothing happens.

It really doesn't matter at all, for I know that nothing will ever happen...

Can't sleep, there are no dreams

I can't sleep... There are no dreams..

Only dreams I get are empty ones.. Well..empty ones are the kind you know you've dreamt of repeatively but you can't remember them at all.. Now that is the scary part... Dreams I thought I had but can't remember.

Song playing in my head right now is Mariah Carey's Breakdown. And darnit.. that Winter Sonata song.. whatssit called? Think it's.. 'From the beginning till now' or something.. (literally translated from Mandarin tho..)Sigh... the Breakdown song, I so can relate to now... Well.. can say from 3 years back.

'So what you do when, somebody you're so devoted to, suddenly just stops loving you, and it seems like they havent got a clue, of the pain and rejection is putting you tru...'

hahha I'm so drama. But what the hell.. Life's more fun with more drama.

Sigh.I feel like I am in a rut. And I cant get out. No one is here to help me. (not literally... not that my friends don't help me out. No one except myself can help myself out I think..) I definately need to let go of some things of the past. If not I won't go forward... T-T

Back to my empty dreams.......

Who are you to say?

Who is Moo to say the things he had said? I mean, now that he is on the other side and I feel like the victim, he is not saying the incredibly 'holy' things that he had said previously.

I am so angry. So disappointed.

Who is he to question 'Trust'?
Who is he to question 'Friendship'?
Who is he to question 'Love'?
Who is he to question me?
Who is he to say that he had betrayed?


He had once said that what the other girl did was wrong as they were just weeks since they broke up and she got together with someone. He had said that he would never trust the guy ever again. And then we happened. And I tried my very hardest to reconcile them. He rebuffed me every single time, saying that I do not understand how he feels. I admited to him at that time I really do NOT understand the feeling of betrayal. But what do you know... now I do know how betrayal feels and it feels like shit.

For he is now courting someone else.

I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me, it does because, I am acknowledging this.. I cannot lose. I cannot stand to lose and in this case, not so much on the times that we had together... but it's the very thought that he had indeed lied and made me think that for the first time in my life I am loved.

I know I am evil but somehow I've actually looked into his cell and saw a name that kept appearing in his sms inbox. And with not hesitation at all... I opened the inbox and saw smses with words that he had directed to me once upon a time.

I am angry.. I do feel very very much ANGRY~

He had cheated me of my firsts. The end had to come too soon. I thought to myself, if nothing would have happened, I won't feel this way about him at all. I get moody around him. I dunno why.. Sigh. I can't hate him, he's my friend. Sigh.. Sometimes I wonder, why am I being so 'tai foong' when I can be super nasty and just ignore him? What am I trying to prove to myself, I sometimes ask...

Why am I here?

The Perfect Girl in the Perfect World

A perfect girl in a perfect world, would have the perfect symmetrical face, perfect grades, perfect family, perfect attitude, perfect body and everything perfect perfect.

I am sorry but I am not the perfect girl, neither is he the perfect guy. So if he would think that he would deserve another person other than me cause I am not perfect, I would say, FUCK OFF.

I am perfectly unperfect. When I one day find someone who would love me perfectly, for the unperfect me, it would be a perfect happy ending.

Please do not look at me through rose tinted glass. I am not perfect. Never wanted to be... Imperfection is what that makes me beautiful.

Looking out for each other

It was an eventful day today... Joined my new colleagues for lunch and had a tour of the new office that I will be working in from next Monday onwards....

People there are OK (well, first impression) and they seemed to be friendly. Well, let's hope they stay that way..

Went home after that.. went online for a bit... chatted with Speed Dial No.6 and after that, napped for abit... Finally I can sleep at night. Maybe it was the stress of me finding a job being off my shoulders. :) Am so damned glad that I am gonna be OK. Big thanks and hugs go to people who were there for me throughout this whole ordeal. Think without them, I would still be floundering around..

Well... after that, went for yamcha but before that, me and Gem had 'tong sui' somewhere near Sarah's place. Actually, had a talk with Gem about Sarah's joblessness. It's been 2 years and all... but she had yet found a job. After finishing our dessert, we went to pick Sarah up. On the way to Central Perk, I tried to drop subtle hints on how to get jobs and where abouts with vacancy. By the sound of her reply, she is not very pleased that we are AGAIN touching on this topic. So me and Gem just let the topic drop tru...

I am pretty amazed by how she can actually keep afloat throughout this two years without a job. We had tried to advice her but she would tell us that she wants a place where there is public transport (as she doesn't have a car) and it is not too far etc etc... I understand her situation, but then I would also think that with all these thinking and no action, when will she get a job?

I was also telling Gem about Speed Dial no.6 and PK's(my cousin) concern towards her work situation and Gem was surprised and touched that there are so many people caring about her. Actually, yeah, we look out for each other and I was too abit surprised that Speed Dial 6 asked me about Sarah. Maybe it was cause he wasn't as close as we are to Sarah. But yeah, it just felt nice to know that we do look out for each other...

:p discovered that I can connect to RO... Will be kicking some cute stuff's butt for now... Till I get more inspiration~

Oh JOY~

I so feel like jumping up and down~ Run round and hug everyone tightly... It's funny how just ONE phonecall can make you seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I've finally got an answer for the job that I was hoping to get and the answer was YES! And I didn't even need to go for the interview... :p

Was in One Utama at that time and I totally didn't expect it to be so sudden... The guy was like 'Can you start on Monday?' I was like 'Yeah!!' Was with Nicholle at that time and I guess she knew what happened by the look on my face!!! So.. hahha, to reward myself.. I bought the cute hairband that I thought was so cute but was abit pricey.. Wahey.. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do~ Yeah.. which is to reward herself when something good happens!!!!!

:) Feel like running bout and jumping up and down!!!!

I'm coming to terms...

I am coming to terms with this feeling inside of me that I as of now, still feel uncertain...

I guess, I feel LONELY....

For once.. I am admitting.

Don't get me wrong. I am not short of friends... I have tons. It's just that, no matter how much my friends mean to me, I feel loneliness in a different level. =_=; I dunno...

Today, as I was lying down on my bed, listening to the rain fall on the roof, it struck me that I feel empty inside. Maybe it was just the rainy weather.. It always makes me feel melancholic and moody. I have always said that I love the rainy weather.. I still do.. But on empty, boring days like these... I rather have the day sunny and hot.

Feels like I am lost in this dark, empty space with no horizons. I have this dream countless times, I am standing in this dark place, I can't even see my hands.. And I am trying to escape from this horrible lonely and dark place. But however far I seem to run, I can't seem to find the exit. However far I run, I can't find the horizon of this place. Never really found out the true meaning of this dream, but it still scares me shitless..

It dawned upon me that the dark space could be how I feel about my future.. It is dark and I am trying to evade it.. It could also represent the hollowness I feel in my life.

Somehow I feel like I am doing nothing much with my life. I wish I could do more for the world. Sigh.. Maybe doing something more for my family first would be good (let's start small) I can't even support myself. T-T

Somehow.. at this moment.. I wish that time can stand still while I make up my mind on what to do next and maybe a little more time for myself to decide what kind of person I am turning out to be. I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm dizzy. I need a time out... and also some time to let my heart heal.....

Forgotten Dreams

Had some time yesterday, so was just rummaging round. Found some sealed boxes which I had put away some of my old books years ago. So I thought maybe I take some old books out to reread them.

Inside the box were loads of musty and dusty books. Most of them I can't remember that I've bought them. And then I spied a few boxes, which I have totally forgotten about!! It contains letters I have received from friends and pen pals dated as far back as 1994!! Found a few funny letters from this Italian pen pal I had. Was pretty funny so I thought I would bring it to show Gem, Sarah and Arihito later during yamcha.

Then, underneath a pile of dusty romance novels, I saw a soft pastel pink ribbon. It was my old pointe shoes. It looks pretty much worn out. I took them out and tried them on... It still fits~ (And I can still go on points... *miracle!!*)

Funny how fast I have chucked that pair of shoes into my sealed box after I've made my decision to stop ballet. I do love ballet, but then after 9 years of ballet (or torture, I would say at that time) I got quite sick of it. Now reminiscing about those days in leotards and tights, I miss them. I miss the performances and exams. I miss those days where we have to tie our hair back into tight buns so that it wouldn't fall into our eyes when doing pirouettes.

I've actually forgotten the dream I have when I was much younger. A dream of tutus, pointe shoes (as we can only use pointe shoes when we are in grade 8), pretty costumes for our yearly performances and the blood, sweat and tears that go with it. Sigh.. suddenly I wish that I am 6 years younger and I am still in my black leotard, and my hair back into a bun, changing into my pointes and then walking towards the barre to do my plies.

Now all I can do is to return all my dreams back into the cardboard box and seal it back and forget about them once more........

| am still awake~

It is 5.44am and I am still awake.. T-T Got back not too long ago from sis's orchestra performance in Kajang.

Was darn nice... Sigh.. Wanna go for another one.. =_=; maybe just not in Kajang.

Had yamcha with Sarah after the performance, cuz Gem wanted to go home to sleep. In the end, both of us stayed till bout 3am. Sarah's mum had to call.. hahaha So.. went home and maybe I had too much caffeine (AGAIN) and am still perky till now... T-T

Who can help me? =_=;

Had my brows plucked today... Right after I had my specs on to look at the damage.. I saw a 'surprised' me. Hahah This was cause she plucked it too high up.. but after a while.. I kinda got used to it.. so no harm done. ahehae




yawn.. maybe it is time to sleep already... 6am T-T

Frustration that was totally unnecessary!

Today... I had a taste of male ego. And boy, was I cheesed..

Ok.. well, to tell the truth, it has nothing to do with me. I could have just shut up and rest my case. But it's just that I feel it is quite stupid to let things to that way. Let start from the top: -

Started off when I thought of having a surprise birthday part for Arihito (his birthday falls on the 1st of October) so I told my 2 other trusty sidekicks, Sarah and Gem. They were like 'Ok YOU plan' T-T So ok anyway, cuz I am so the free and all. And I started off with the guest list. Honestly, apart from me, Gem, Sarah, Nini, None, Sissy, Moo and Speed Dial no. 6, we do not have much on the guest list. So me and my bright mind thought that we should invite his other group of friends, which would include Kst and his bunch of RO mates.

Contacted Kst today via MSN and got him to confirm that he would make it. Sigh.. *Dramatic Drumroll* the problems start. Because I do not know much about the other RO mates like Lily and all, decided to ask Moo to contact them. It started off on a good note. We were joking that Arihito doesn't have much friends and that we prolly need to hire extras to make the party seem more happening. That is when I told him that Kst is invited too.

Of course I remembered what happened in between Kst and Moo and Moo's ex girlfriend. It's just that, Moo had once told me that there will be a time that he and Kst will reconcile. I would understand is he would to tell me that he and Kst will not be like they were before.

Gosh, they were really close before this. I still remember those times when me (I tagged along), Speed Dial no.6, Arihito, Moo, Kst and Dan would go to KL for our comic and gaming spree. Man... it was such a guy thing (playing shooting games and Dance2 Revolution, Para2, buying comic books, looking at techie stuffs like CDRs, comparing modems and such ler) but looking back, it was so fun. I was thinking that they seem to be like brothers. I dunno, but those were the days I look back and think, how fun to have close friends like that. (those were the days before Sarah and Gem I would say.. thank goodness I have them now~) So yeah, then this girlfriend thing happened. And I thought, after all our advices and counseling sessions, Moo would actually get it and maybe forgive Kst.

But no...when I gently let the bomb down, he was like 'He's going to be there?' And I was like, yeah he's gonna be there' And he went on to say something to the effect of 'Why invite him, but since you've already did, nothing much I can do' I was like O.o I told Sarah, Gem, Nini and None about it; we were at Central Perk at that time.

Told Moo that the world doesn't revolve around him and when I was chatting with Kst on MSN just now, it does seem that he was sincere to patch things up. He was like 'I don't know how to start a conversation with him'. Then Moo said 'Screw it because I am not anyone important and he doesn't need to explain things/talk to me. If he ask me something, I would answer. That's it.' That sounded like a take it or leave it. I really really really do NOT understand why would he give such an answer. Because in the first place, he had said that he is quite ready to forgive and forget. If Kst would make the first move. But then, now he would not even give him a chance. He sounded like he would just rather forget that he had this friend.

He went on to say that he doesn't trust Kst anymore. But like what Gem had said, 'It should be the other way round. Kst should be the one not trusting Moo as Moo might try to get Ryl (the girlfriend) back.' And yeah, I do think that was something valid.

Honestly, I thought too, if he would wanna talk about trust, what about me? Should I be trusting Moo too? I mean, after the things and promises that he had made to me and took back within a month... Should I trust him anymore? Had he ever thought of it that way? Of maybe it's just me being stupid and naive to trust him back. Now to think of it.. yeah.. somehow, things that he had promised me and told me are all just lies, so why am I trusting him? T-T Gah... But it's because I choose to take the risk to trust again I would say... What is the point of being friends when we do not trust each other? And why should I let a 9 year friendship go down the drain just because of something pretty much of a mistake? I wish that he could see my point there....

But as I had mentioned earlier... guys are just bursting with ego and according to Sarah, this is a classic case of 'What do YOU have that I don't that my girlfriend would leave me for you?' True that.. but the annoying thing is that Moo would insist the girlfriend thingy has nothing to do with it. I am just gonna sigh and let you decide on what's the case...

But in the end, after a little talk with Sarah, I felt guilty for sticking in my nosy nose into something that doesn't involve me (AGAIN!). I got home, still thinking about it and finally concluded that I was just being a nosy bitch. I sent him a two page sms saying that I was sorry for being pushy. It is after all his decision and not mine. I did not go through the things that he had. And because I always think that, 'if I can do it why can't you' it finally dawned upon me that it is after all individual decisions that makes people an individual. I also told him that I was sorry for being selfish for forcing something to him but again I insisted that I thought that Kst was really sincere. Hope that he would think about it and not just let this friendship between both of them diminish. He had yet to reply my sms, well.. maybe cause I sent that sms at bout 330am. =_=;

I would be damned it Kst had told me that he is trying to patch things up between Moo and him and all I am doing is just to sit back and look. If this is what it would take to build a friendship back, I would do it again... sigh...

This male ego thing leaves a bitter taste in my mouth... I do really really hope that nothing like this would happen between me, Gem and Sarah. As in liking the same guy.... It would be pretty hard to make that decision to either lose the love of your life or to lose that good bud that you have been tru shit with... Because I know... no matter what we would say it now.. if it really happens one day, there will be jealousy and there will be heartbreak and heartache and most definately there will a crossroad that would require you to choose...

Dear God, it would be easier if you want me to choose between life or death, but please do not let me choose between two friends...

T-T 5.41am already.. time for bed...

Just a short one

Me is bored.

Me wishes that me is working.
Me wishes that me is NOT working.
Me wishes that me knows what to do next.
Me wishes that me wishes that me has all the riches in the world so that me can buy all items me wants to buy.
Me wishes me have more cash so me can spend friends out for a drink in Coffee Bean or alternatively TGIF for the smoking section is inside, with air conditioning.
Me wishes me find and marry an old man that is about to die and has nothing much to do with his money or life.
Me wishes that things that happen for a reason tells me what the reason is first before it happens to me so that I would know what to expect. =_=;

Me wishes everyone to be happy in the end and everyone to have all their dreams and wishes fulfilled.

Me is gonna take a nap now.. *and maybe a ciggie first*

Oh LOVE~

Had a long conversation with Sarah on this thing called 'Love'. She was telling me about some love stories that she had seen. One that really touched me was Lavender ....

Lavender's a story about this girl, whose fiance died. So she is like so heartbroken and for two whole years, she keeps thinking about him. She will do the same thing day in day out, like, after work, she would buy an orange helium ballon and walk back to her house. And she would eat the same thing, after tht, write a wish (for her dead fiance) on the ballon and let it off to float into the sky.

Basically she does the same thing over and over and over again.. till one day, something happened to break her mundane life.

To cut a darn long story short, she realises in the end that because of her clinging to her dead fiance, she had missed out on many opportunities on love and life. All because of her routine, she had missed chances of meeting this other guy.

At this point.. me and Sarah just stared into space and jst nodded knowingly. Sarah = 6 years. Miss Pink - 4 years and counting (Bakabakabaka!!!)

Quite funny, how this thing called love can happen to you. It's true what they say, that love is a sneaky thing.. It will just drop by when it feels like it. And this is usually when you least expect it. Usually when you wish and wish for it, it will not come. But when you just leave it alone... It jumps right you.

Oh love... What is love? Can it be seen? Can it be touched? Can love be predicted? Could we decieve love? Would it be pure? How does love feel like?

Oh love, pay us a visit.... I would like to get to know you....

My Happ|ness~

Listening to: Fuyu no Sonato - Ryu

Recent events that happened gave me the idea to write about happiness (or, 'shiawasete' in japanese :p)

What happened was this : -

4th September 2004, 11.00pm ( Saturday ) : Me, Sarah, Gem, Nini, Sissy and None had our yamcha session in Sunway Pyramid's Coffee Bean on impulse. What I mean by impulse is that me and Sarah (who got there first) just decided where to go. That was because None wanted to go elsewhere not our usual Central Perk. So after me and Sarah settled down, Nini and Gem arrived. Shortly after them, None. Then later Sissy joined us. Basically had our usual yamcha, with loud laughter and friendly banter that somehow will go back to the guys being gay (=_=;)

So, after about an hour and a half there, Sissy decided to go for supper in Kepong. Dimsum actually. Feeling adventurous and 'in-the-mood' everyone quickly agreed. We finished our drinks and off we went, in 4 cars. Me & Sarah in one, Gem & Nini in another, None and Sissy each drove their own cars. So halfway there, we sorta got lost as the guys suggested that we should go to another place to have dessert instead of dimsum. I actually kinda know where that place is, it's just that I would need some time to explore. Anyways, me and Sarah got separated from the rest and in the end, we found the place (which was called 'Kei Tak Sek' direct translation = Remember to eat) but alas, it was closed.

Listening to: Take my Breath Away - Jessica Simpson

Next Song: Pieces of Me - Ashlee Simpson

So called the rest to tell them and somehow me and Sarah managed to find the rest and we had our dimsum. Arihito joined us after a while. He just got off work and was drunk. =_=; All in all, we had a great time. I knew I had a great time but what I didn't know was that Gem and Sarah had a super time.

Listening to: Yuki no Hana - Nakashima Mika

When we got home, Sarah sms-ed me telling me how happy she was that day. Reason being Sissy actually acknowledged her presense and in Gem's words, 'spoke to her, laughed at her jokes, looked at her and basically just acknowledged her' She kept telling me that she was 'super happy' I'm telling you, that was really infectious. We all agreed that it was like back to old times. I was smiling to myself and happily typing on my cell. Bet Sarah was smiling to herself and to quote her 'smile until can see my wisdom tooth and by tomorrow, my mouth will be bigger!' *lol*

Listening to: I Miss You - Blink 182

Gem also sms-ed and she was also saying that she enjoyed the night and she was really glad that things were all right. She then confessed that suddenly, she felt like she was falling in love all over again. Asked her if she was sure and all. She was like 'I am sure' T-T sigh.... Can't say much, I told her. For if I know how to get rid of this feeling, I would have done it long long time ago. T-T

So yeah, the day ended on a very happy note. I told Sarah, that I am had a great time too. But, I can't seem to shake off this feeling. That it was only missing one person, then the night would be perfect for me. =_=; Sarah guessed correctly, who this person was. Sigh.. I do miss him. And I kinda wish that I don't.

Anyway!!! This is supposed to be about 'shiawasete' !!! =_=; So, yeah, that was how I kinda got this topic. (pardon my England.. dunno why it's a bit crap these few days)

My Happness:

I guess, simple things makes me feel happy. Things like seeing my friends being happy (like on Saturday), hearing my favorite song on the radio, doing up a new survey, reading emails from friends (personal ones mind you, not forward emails), recieving a call from certain someones, listening to the rain fall and going out with my buddies on a simple yamcha at Central Perk.

A pop-up that says 'Ano hito is online' (haehahe that's 'a certain someone' in japanese), a cute forward sms from Sarah or a piece of advice from Gem. French toast from Kim Gary, hazelnut Cadbury chocs, a long drive alone in my car, leaves swirling round on a windy day...

All these things seriously make me very happy. The very thought that I have great friends like I have makes me smile. I am someone who is easily pleased.

Seeing a new comic book out on the news stand, watching my baby cousin smile, reading a funny story, checking out a new website, recieving a msg (doesn't matter online or on my celly) from a long lost friend, watching fireworks in a field with a few friends (even if that mean we will be giving mosquito buffet again), having picnics in parks at night, having cook-outs in my house.. all these things do not cost much, but they do mean the world to me.

And yeah I am happy~ :)

*~* shiawase *~*

Moments before I dash out of my house for yamcha!

Ok.. Moments before I rush out for yamcha as Sarah is picking me up tonight!!! Just wanna remind myself of what to write later~

Happiness is like sharing a bar of chocs with my sister!

Am going abit of cuckoo from the lack of sleep and the lack of cigs and sugar T-T

I am now a vampire~

It is now 6.01am on a Tuesday morning.. must be wondering why have I woke up at such an ungodly hour. Noo... it's not that I have woke up at such an ungodly hour, but I have not slept since last night. I am indeed going cuckoo. Hope tomorrow I can wake up at bout 12 noon cause I wanna wake up and update this blog.

Not in the state of mind to write anything intelligent in my blog, so I will just have a short one, was afraid that they will not let me log in. So just in case!

Coming up on my next blog~
What is Happiness?
What Hwa did.
What Hwa did next. :p

3 days of Torture

3rd day of bumming round.
3 days of torture
feel like strangling myself if I stay like this for another week or so..

Hope I can find something to do before I start killing myself~

In a HIPHOP Mode

WaSsap

I am jst in a crappy mode.. Playing around with my webcam.. *godblesswebcams*

Had my interview... kinda screwed it up. Ugh.. What would YOU answer if someone asked u 'Sell yourself.. Gimme one reason for me to hire you'. Gem's like 'You're not a hooker'. Damn you're right Gem... Ugh

So, this is the story of my sad existance and my inability to sell myself. I was half tempted to tell the guy that if he would have bought me then he woulda have hell of a bargain, weight for weight. hahhaha

Oh well.. I am about to embark on a damn long holiday.. I will be blogging till my brains fall out and I really what I am going to do next dude.. think I will be working for Vivian in the bar meanwhile. Woo.. that would be damn cool~

Sigh.. Till then, pinkity the bartender signing out..

Episode 12 - Sitting on an Empty Desk

Listening to: Rain - Madonna

Here I am, on a Saturday evening, 6.49pm to be exact. I am sitting on an empty desk, smoking a ciggie and staring at this computer screen. Gonna be the last time I'm doing this here, for 30th of August will be the last day I will be here. Sad to leave, and also happy. Dunno what I am feeling here.

I hate to leave some of my colleagues, but am happy to leave my boss. And also, on the upside, I would be exploring new territories. Hope the second interview I have on Tuesday will work out and I will be working on the events side as a Client Servicing person.

Pretty depressing actually, this turn of events. Everything turned out to be quite shitty as I thought that I could do anything that I put my mind to. Sigh.. looks like not.

So, this would be my last entry, I think from Novacomm. Goodbye friends that I have made here... goodbye desk, goodbye compy that had served me faithfully and also goodbye to the red seat that I love to sit cross legged on.

Goodbye....

Who are you thinking of?

I think I find some truth in this.. That is why I am posting this up...

When you are together with that special someone,
you pretend to ignore that person.
But when that special someone is not around,
you might look around to find them.
At that moment, you are in love.

Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh,
your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone.
Then, you are in love.

Although that special someone was supposed to have called you long back,
to let you know of their safe arrival,
your phone is quiet.
You are desperately waiting for the call!
At that moment, you are in love.

If you are much more excited for one short e-mail from that special someone
than other many long e-mails, you are in love.

When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages
in your answering machine because of one message from that special someone,
you are in love.

When you get a couple of free movie tickets,
you would not hesitate to think of that special someone.
Then, you are in love.

You keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend",
but you realize that you can not avoid that person's special attraction.
At that moment, you are in love.

While you are reading this page,
if someone appears in your mind,
then u are in love with that person.

Who are you thinking of? :p

Something meaningful that I will forever hold in my heart!

On Friends and Such~

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.


REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Episode 11 - The one where I got Drunk

It's a lazy lazy Sunday afternoon and I am just feeling bored... Can't go out cruising cuz my car has got no petrol.. T-T gotta loan money from my mum again.. damn... and it's only the 15th.

I am trying to make time turn back.. WOOOO! Which reminds me of something I did that was stupid when I was drunk...

Here we go -

My friend Mei Wei got married, and me and Tania were invited to her wedding party. (more on that on a later post) So they were asking everyone to drink, to cut a long story short, held my drinks till I got back home.

So, after a long bathe and everything, I can actually feel the alco running round in my brains. T_T and this is when I did something so stupid it is not funny. I actually smsed Moo and told him that I missed him and I wanted to turn back time. I was seriously pissed.

His reply was the standard, we are just friends, blah and blah. Ok, point taken.. NEXT!

Morning after effects were horrible... Ughz....

Moral of the story is - Never get drunk after a break-up, it usually leaves a horrible aftertaste. *UwEK*

Episode 10 - The Wrong Recipent

Listening to: I will spend my whole life Loving you - Tina Arena & Marc Anthony

Don't call me cynical, but what the hell does 'Forever' mean to you? Newsflash buddies.... Nothing is forever~ (though the song says 'Diamonds are forever', maybe that...)

It is 4am on a Sunday morning and I am just plain crappy and can't really sleep. Just finished an audio conversation with G and she was asking for the 411 on everything that has been happening here back in Malaysia. She told me that she would be applying for PR in Aust and will stay there. Sigh.... another one goes over to the other side. As in, to be part of the world. (As Gem always say, Malaysia is NOT part of the world... US always thinks that the world ends at Singapore~ T-T)

Listening to: Eyes On Me - Faye Wong

This song sure brings back memories of the bygone years. It was the song that really 'hot' back in high school days. Hehe.. thanks to Lay Geng, one of my classmates. 'I kind of liked it your way, how you shyly placed your peaceful eyes on me' That was my fave line from the song... It is romantic. That was my idea of romance back in high school. I guess now, life has gotten just a notch more cynical than it was before. Hell, I guess like how my former boss used to put it, this thing people call love should just be called 'companionship'. Somehow I agree with her... How would you know that your other half really 'loves' you? A question that baffles even the smartest of sages.

Listening to: Take a Bow- Madonna

'All the world is a stage, and everyone has their part, but how was I to know which way the story goes and how I was to know you'd break my heart?'

I guess that verse is true, everyone in life does have their parts. Everyone wears a mask, (though some doesn't admit it) Think everyone has their own sets of masks which they wear. The Smiley Mask, the Layan Mask, the Happy Mask, the 'I-am-listening-to-you' Mask but one thing that they do not show you is their true face. And more often than not, this face is sad, dissatisfied and angry. Sigh, maybe this is just a 'speaking-from-experience' thing from me again. It's just that we meet so many insincere people in this world. Somehow, after a while, you just rather not trust/know these people...

Listening to: My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne
Next Song : Take My Breathe Away - Jessica Simpson

Okok.. back to what happened today. Went for this Church function with Gem and Sarah. It's called Saint Francis Xavier (I think) Faith Educator's Gala Night. Faith Educators are basically teachers who had dedicated their time to teach Sunday School. Actually, come to think of it... it is a sacrifice to wake up really early to go to Church, and then later to teach at Sunday School. Kudos to Gem! I suddenly feel proud of her. :)

Listening to: She will be Loved - Maroon 5

It was an eye opening experience for me I guess.. have not been to something like that in the first place. They had singing and all. Worship, they call it. I think it's something akin to the Buddhist's chanting prayers. -_-; speaking of which, I think I should try to be more religious. Teens/young adults nowadays seems to be faithless. Really... If not so, why are they so many murders and rape cases? Sheeshh... I am beginning to lose faith in the human race. I wonder when can we redeem ourselves? (I am beginning to speak like a Jehovah's Witness T-T NoOoOoOOoooOOooO)

Listening to: Adia - Sarah McLachlan

Ugh.. I did a big boo boo on Thursday.. Happened like this : -

Was feeling bored in office on a lovely Thursday afternoon... so, was surfing around in Friendster.. and saw Jason's picture, so went in to check it out.. So happened that, one of Shyu's pictures were there too, and man, did she look like a man... so you know, as usual, feeling bitchy and all, decided to send Gem and Sarah a sms to proclaim my new discovery... and after finished typing that sms and was in the process of typing in Gem's number, my boss walked in and insisted that she wanted to talk to me ASAP. So me, always the everyready slave, quickly finished off my evil quest of sending that bitchy sms to the two main partner in crime.

So after having a little chat with my master; the boss, I walked back to my little cosy cubicle. Took my phone to delete the two reports that I am supposed to recieve and guess what? I sent the sms to Moo instead of Sarah (I remember Gem, Sarah, Moo and SDN 6's numbers, so when I send smses, I usually just type them out instead of looking for their names in the phonebook) ... I was like OMFG~ Quickly I sent out an apology to him, saying that I have sent it to the wrong person and he is to delete off the offending sms right there and then. I called Sarah (as I know Gem should be teaching in class) and told her. She was like 'You're dead...' I was like 'I know..' He replied a sms asking me what that sms was all about...

Listening to: I Miss You - Blink 182

'We could live like Jack & Sally, if we want to, where you can always find me, we'll have Halloween on Xmas and we'll wish this never end, we'll wish this never end'

Actually, I did not mean to diss her.. I mean, even if she was not Moo's ex. Seriously... I mean, it's not like I'm pining over him.. Maybe initially, but now.. not really... The look like a man thing, it could be someone else I was bitching about... heh.. Hope he doesn't think that I am still not over him ler... Cause I think I am over him (in the first place, I was never UNDER him.. -_-)

'Don't waste your time on me, You're already the voice inside my head'

True that, true that... I guess now he is jst a memory (just a few kb of memory, I would say, if I were a harddisk.. hahehaeh) that I would store and maybe in my golden years, reminiese about. He is after all my first love... heheh

So that was Drama Panggung Khamis for you ladies and gentlemen.. Actually I really panicked. I have not felt so 'fuck' in my whole life ok... But thank goodness, he was pretty cool with it. (If he's not, he did a damn good job hiding it) He in fact replied me to say that he doesn't give a damn if I would say she looks like a dog. Hmmm... Not sure if that is the truth. But oh well, doesn't concern me anymore... :p

Anyhowz... It is almost 5am and I should get some sleep.. if not.. I would prolly die on Monday. Sigh.. still no news on my job. T-T

Till then.. wait for the next episode of this dramatic drama... hehe

And she will be Loved

Yuck..

Was feeling like crap for the whole of today. I actually fell asleep in the toilet in office. T-T I know I shouldn't feel proud about it but seriously... had my head against the wall and was sitting on the toilet. damn....

This week is technically one of the worst weeks ever in my life.

Felt sick throughout. Running nose and sore throat and coughing fits. T-T

Nothing much to yell and scream about.

Monday, had drinks at Mani's, went home about 1 am.

Went to BarFlam's on Tuesday. Not exactly too fun.. but yeah, will do.

Wednesday, was at One Utama to visit Rose. Bought her ice cream and roses, cause we thought it was her birthday, but her birthday actually on the 28th August 2004.

Thursday - today, felt cranky. Got home really early.. bout 7pm. Ate and straight away went to to bed. Mum was weird today, I was sitting in my dining room eating,alone. I was looking rather down, she was like ' What's wrong?' I replied her that I was sick. She was like 'Heartsick ar?' and asked me about Moo and all. I was like 'No more liao ler'

She was like 'Ah? No more still can hang out together wan er?' (Cause on Saturday the whole gang was at my place) I was like 'Yeah'

Heh...

Anyway... I think I should sleep now. Am pretty tired and washed out. Last day at work is next week Thursday I think. Still no luck in interviews... Sigh.

"Peace Out" -_-;

A short piece for the depressed

Listening to: Everytime - Britney Spears
Waiting for: The sky to fall and my Boss to finish up her stuff so I can go off

Here I am again, still in the office, waiting for stuff to be done so I can send them tomorrow to my Client's place. Not really keen to go home, for some unknown reason.

Ohhum... Yesterday was online till 4am, chatting with Speed Dial Number 6. Can't really sleep after that. Was tossing and turning till bout 5am, so basically slept only for bout 3 hours.

Sighhhh~ I am feeling empty again. Not that I am hungry, just feel empty and there is this sudden urge for me to restart my life. Restart as in not to start over again, but to just totally finish my life off and to be reborn. (Don't panic, just a thought)

Thought about it, but then, maybe not.. it is just too troublesome. heh... Am just feeling really dark and sulky now.

Still waiting for my boss... T.T

Sigh.. looks like there is much more things to life than what I am feeling at the moment. So many bigger things happening. What that is happening to me is prolly just peanuts compared to what that had happened to other people... sigh.. I guess, life is just a journey, and sadness, grief and crappy feelings are just like bumps on this really long road to heaven.

Dang~ I feel so melodramatic... But I guess, as selfish as this would sound like, thinking that I am much better off than other people is just the thing that keeps me afloat at the moment. I could get a job anywhere, but it's just me who keeps choosing.

Love? I've got friends and family who loves me. Some might not even have a family to fall back on... I am super lucky, yeah I am... I have both my hands AND legs. Eyes and nose and mouth. I can talk and hear perfectly... Yeah I am lucky....

***Peace... Damn.. this IS good shit.. hahahha***

The Good, Bad and The Ugly

The Good - I am Single AGAIN
The Bad - I sorta got Dumped and Cheated
The Ugly - We are Still Friends

The Explaination -

For the god damned 3rd time, I am typing this out. Everytime I wanna post this up, something happens. Ugh...

okok.. Short and sweet this is gonna be. Me and Moo no more. Yes we are still friends. Why? Oh well, maybe cuz I am jst stupid.

It happened that I felt that 3 weeks down into the relationship, he doesn't exactly treat me as like he did when we first went out together... So one day I just asked him 'Why you like me, why me and why now, after all those years that you have known me.'

I told him to answer me honestly and I have already sorta knew wht his answer will be. When he replied me that 'The love for you got less' I was like 'Ohhkay..' So I guess, I told him that if that is how he feels then we should just end it here, before this feeling gets deeper for me.

Maybe it was a sigh of relief on his side, I do not know. But I guess it should be something like that for him, because there was no signs of regret or any signs that he was feeling sorry or anything.

He kept asking me if I was angry at him, or if I hate him. My stupid pride, got in the way, I answered him that I was not angry nor do I hate him. I was thinking, if I was not feeling so sad, I would have felt the anger. I would have told him that too... If I wanted him to pity me. But, I do not want anyone to pity me. Funny that I pity myself.

In a way, I got cheated. Of my feelings. If he, in the first place, was unsure of his feelings, he should have kept his feelings to himself. Now that I have allowed myself to feel for him, my feelings grew.

I do like him. When we went out, I do like the feeling of walking with him. Maybe like wht Gem told me, I just liked the feeling of having someone with me, as someone who was more than a friend. I am not sure... Think after one week, I would not feel so bad. But I think this rejection thing has gotten much worse and I am feeling depressed. First, rejection in workplace. As though that was not bad enough, this totally unneccesary rejection have to happen.

Oh well, at least I have friends who love me. So, moral of the story is,
Do Not Love Your Friend. Do Not Say That Yi Hwa Have Not Warned You....

P/S: Where IS my happy Ending?

First Pix

On my 22nd Birthday~

Found out a way to upload pix into my blog, but can only do this at home.. Sigh.. had been trying to write this bloody thing for a whole one week already and everytime I want to post it, something will happen. Is this a sign? T-T

A Discovery!

Listening to: Pieces of Me - Ashley Simpson
 
*I know when Gem read today's entry, she will be laughing her ass off. T-T*
 
Yesterday, I discovered that.......
 
I have sweaty palms. T-T Ok.. fine I dunno.. It's just so weird, first time and all. I mean, who holds their own hands to see if they have sweaty palms or not? So yeah.. it is actually pretty embarrassing!!
 
I was like.. OK, is it me or you? and when I gave it a thought.. it's actually me T-T never really occured to me that this matters. *laughs out loud* But it's actually pretty umcomfy.. can you imagine? It's like holding a wet towel. Gosh... Are there remedies for this condition? hahahahah
 
Listening to: I Miss You - Blink 182
 
Watched Mean Girls yesterday with Moo, Gem and Sarah. OH~ Highlight of that whole event was that he didn't ask 'Can I hold your hand?' and just did. Hahahah If he does that again I would look at him and say 'Just freaking do it'. It was more comfy than that day when we went to watch 'Prince and Me' which was just supposed to be me and him but Arihito called up last minute unexpectedly and went with us. I mean, Gem and Sarah knows, so we were not so uncomfortable about this whole holding hands thing.
 
But there was something that they have said that made me like 'What the..' Gem was like, 'I don't understand why you two can hold hands in the cinema but not here.' And Sarah, that notty girl was like 'Cause it's bright here and they can't do it in the light' I was kinda mortified... Cause he was like there and all... I dunno bout other people, but for me, having a boyfriend doesn't mean I need to hang on to him for all times that I am out. I mean, not that I am ashamed of being out with him or anything. It's just that I don't feel like I need to have all this public shows of affection. Heheheh..
 
Listening to Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette
 
Told Gem as well, that at the moment, I'd rather spend time as a group but occasionally go out just me and him, cuz somehow I feel like it. Maybe cause I have nothing much to talk to him about. Maybe... The feeling is growing. I feel like I need to see him and talk to him more than last time.
 
Listening to Stupid - Sarah McLachlan
 
Am going out for dinner with him later. Somehow feel very nervous. Even more nervous than going for my interview that day. Funny huh? Am afraid that I have nothing much to talk to him about. Or nowhere to go. Sigh... You know.. his classes is starting again week after next and he was like 'Are you going to support me? I am haunted by the past..' Honestly, I am not too perturbed by the fact that he is going off 5 days a week and we might only meet up only once a week.  I had been like that for many years.
 
Listening to Sweet Surrender - Sarah McLachlan
 
I guess I will miss him and sometimes might even drive to where he stays just for fun, it's not too far. But then again, distance makes the heart grow fonder (I hope) ahhaha I will not be the one who will play around while he is not around. Just hope that he wont. hahahha
 
Anyhowz, nothing much other than that... tomorrow I might have something to write about :p
 
****Is this a case of Sweet Surrender?*****

A surprise!!

Oh well.. I actually have alot of things to write about but then due to the shortage in time... Only can record the most surprising plus amazing thing that happened today... This friend from long long ago actually found me on Friendster. I am so happy, cause she was one of my close friends back in primary school and after Form 2 she migrated over to Australia and is still there. *snifflies* I miss those days, jumping on the school field 'astaka' singing songs from Sound of Music. She was the one who introduced me to 'Grease' ahahahh
 
Loads of things happened these few days. Got an interview. Went for it, got called back for second interview. Went for it. They say that they will be replying me by Friday. I dunno, hope tha everything turns out fine. Leo Burnett didn't call me. Was hoping that they will. I'll be handling Malboro if they'll hire me. I am like their number 1 supporter. hahaha..
 
Only this much for today. As always, fuck ups after 5.30pm. How nice....
 
****watching Mean Girls tonite~****

Matters of the heart.

Feeling: Cold
Listening to: Sound of rain falling down

Hmm.. It's another rainy wet Thursday afternoon. Makes me feel like running through the rain and getting wet. Everyone is not back yet and I am just bumming round.

Went for SpiderMan 2 yesterday and it was not what I had expected. After the show, we went for a drink but Arihito and Gem had to go back cuz Gem was looking sick and Arihito had to go back early. So then there were 4. Sarah, Nini, Moo and me.

We were just having chats and food. After 1 hour of drinks food and gossip we had to go.

Yesterday, actually, I was really, really, really tempted to tell Moo that it should be over between me and him. I dunno why, but maybe it was that card game we played that day. It was some destiny, fate thing. Somehow, the readings goes along the line of 'he likes me but then I am confused as I like someone else too' It gave me a slap on the face and all night I was actually thinking how selfish I was. And ... I dunno.. I just feel that he is the one saying the 'I miss yous' and the 'I lub yous' but.. somehow at this moment in time, I do not feel the same.. Yeah, there are sometimes when I feel that I miss him but I never really felt the love.

And also, I kinda think that I can do much of everything myself and I do not need someone to depend on. It is pretty crap, this thinking.. because before I've got him, I feel that I needed someone to be there for me. I am contradicting myself.

Need more time I think.. Hope it'll get better in a bit.. I have more important matters to worry about... (like my job) T-T

What reminds me of

Hmm.. I think these few days, all thoughts I have are in song lyrics! So here, I am describing them in song titles!

On Love - Precious Illusions (Alanis)
On Friendship - Graduation (Vitamin C)
On Life - Everybody Hurts (R.E.M or The Corrs)
On Gem and Sarah - Always be my Baby (Mariah Carey)
On Moo - Love Takes Time (I think it was Boyzone o something like that)
On Kay - Take A Bow (Madonna), If I aint got you (Alicia Keys)
On Arihito - My Funny Friend and Me (dunno who sang this and dunno how the lyrics go but the title jst so reminds me of him)
On Nini - Don't Mess with my Love (M2M, on behalf of Gem of course!!)

Hmm.. I dunno how I am feeling but then, I am so afraid to hurt someone unintentionally. Would I? Cause I think I was being really selfish by saying Yes when I am not too sure. Up till now, I am not too sure... Love is somehow a Precious Illusion, what I think Love is might not be what really Love is... I am not really making much sense here am I? Maybe Love does takes time, yeah, I do hope so....

Oh NO~ I'm getting the Fuzz =_=; Dunt think other things

***With fuzzy feelings in tummy***

AHHH~ I am feeling fuzzy inside me!!! Seriously!!! Hmm ok here’s wht happened yesterday.

Had decided that I should tell Nicholas (Nic’s my best bud back in high school and up till now we remained as close friends) cuz I figured out if I don’t tell him now, he would bitch about it. So, rang him up and told him to come out for a drink. Just me and him. We agreed on a place and was actually anticipating on telling him. I used to tell him everything in my life and suddenly I feel like he is so out of touch with everything in my life. So I NEED to clue him in on this or not he'll disown me!!!

So later on, Tania called. She just got back from Australia and wanted to come out for a drink. I thought, why not since we are out anywayz.. It has been a long long time since we actually went out. So I told her to come abit later, so that I can finish dishing out the dirt to Nic. Not that I don’t wanna tell her but then I thought maybe later on when it’s more stable only I tell them.

So Nic and me went to Banana Leaf and I told him to guess. He was like ‘OHMYGOD, you’ve got a boyfriend!!! WHOO?’ Told him to guess, he was like ‘KAY!!’ I was like.. ‘I wish’ and he went on and on and on… he got it right on his third try, but I think maybe he wasn’t exactly thinking that it would be him. So he carried on, until he saw the grin on my face. He got annoyed and started bitching.. I was like ‘OkOK!!! I’ll tell you! *pause* I’m with my teddy bear’ and he was like ‘OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!!’ (it was just like how I imagined it *grins*) He was asking for details and all. Then he paused for a while.. and said ‘You know, I’m so happy for you. I’ve always thought that you two would make such a cute couple’ Well, if it was a brightly lit place, he would see me blush a BRIGHT red!!! T-T He insisted that I tell Joe and Tania as well. So, that fella sms ed both the girls to tell them NOT to bring their boyfriends.

To make a very long story short, I told the other two girls and they were like ‘OHMYGOD’ (yeah, like how I imagined them to as well) I told Yews as well, I know I know!! I shouldn’t have announced it but then the IDIOT NIC~ told him. Ok.. It’s not that I do not want to tell them but then it has only been 3 days… What happens if it doesn’t work out? That would be quite shitty. Joe said ‘He’s one of those few nice guys left in this world.’ I hope so..

When I got home, mum was helping me clean my room and we were talking about my brother and how he brings his girlfriend home. So we were joking and laughing about it (something rare I tell you) and somehow this topic landed on me. I din’t want to but then I can’t stop smiling!! So yeah, mum knows too. She was like WHICH ONE? Show me a picture!! Now Now NOWWW~ I was like T-T

So in the end, I told her that I’d bring him back for dinner one day. Hahahah This is so weird.

Hmm.. That was it I guess.. It happened so out of the blue. I was quite reluctant at first, but then after a while, I think I am falling in love with him. He is a sweet guy. *Crosses fingers* Hope that everything works out!!!



***Still feeling fuzzy***

I'm Glad

***Feeling Cold, Listening to Mix.fm Savage Garden 'Truly, Madly, Deeply'***

Yawn... it's just 10.07am and I just finished my breakfast at work. Just another Wednesday when things don't happen till the very last minute..

Ok.. Firstly, me and Moo kinda got together.. **=_=** This is what happened..

Saturday: 7.00pm My Hse
Had a little steamboat party at my house. Had dinner, everything hunky dory. Watched 2 movies. (Shrek2 & The Guru) So after the movies, it was about 1am.. We brought out the liqour. Bought this cheap vodka from IKEA (which we vow to never buy anymore!!) And we started playing the card game, the one where you stick the card on your forehead and see who gets the smallest and that person has to drink the whole cup of whatever that is in the middle of the circle. So ugh, the first person to drink up was me. One beer mug filled with vodka and orange juice. Sht, it was horrible. Second one to kena was Arihito. He had like 2 in a row and the second one was pretty strong on vodka. Right away, he KO-ed. So basically, Arihito KO-ed first and then after that me. I went upstairs to my room to sleep. Meanwhile downstairs.....

Apparently, Moo was muttering gibberish about me because he was drunk. So halfway through things, I woke up and puked and went back downstairs, my trusty galpals, Gem and Sarah ran to me at the back and warned me about him. I was abit tipsy at that time and wasn't really giving too much of a damn when they told me about it. I was thinking more like 'Whoa, he must be damn drunk' So I was jst like calmly going back out to the hall and they continued playing truth 'Spin the bottle'. Ended up talking bout fantasies and stuff.. was quite funny cuz everyone spilled their guts out on things. A few days after, The Cigarette Man claimed that he was drunk and he did not remember a single thing. Ah, bullshit. Hehe

Sunday: 12 noon My Hse
And then there were 3, Sarah, TCM, Nini and Arihito left in the wee hours of the morning. So left me, Gem and Moo. Was watching Malaysian Idol and had a seriously good laugh!! One of my ex colleague was actually in and he did this seriously stupid and ridicules dance routine to Kylie’s Spinning Around. I felt sorry for him. He looked so damn dumb. Really. God, He’s a nice guy and all.. but what the hell was he thinking when he wore that yellow short short pants and short short shirt? T-T *pitypitypity*

Ok, after that we were watching another show and I kinda fell asleep on the long couch in my hall. So Gem and Moo was awake. In my sleep, I heard something so I woke up. But my eyes were still closed. I was conscious. Moo was taking a pic of me sleeping. Then I heard Gem asking him about me. He was like ‘I dunno!!! I’m so confused!!’ I kinda know what they were talking about but I just left it there… Then I pretended to wake up and they stopped talking.

Sunday: 4 something pm Al-Ehsan
Fetched Moo back, confronted Gem. She was like ‘I thought you were asleep!!’ muahahha Evil~ but I was not asleep. That woman eventually spilled the beans and told me about everything.. He is very confused la, he is thinking la.. things like that. The usual. So yeah, that was it.

Went to Al-Ehsan and it started to rain really heavily. Stayed there till bout 6 and we went back to her house. After dumping all her stuff and lepak for a while, we went off to fetch Sarah for dinner.

After dinner, as usual, went for yamcha. Everyone was there and it was normal. Just recapped our ‘wild’ weekend. After that, went home. Moo started smsing me. (Jst like how speed dial no.6 used to predict. He said that after he’s gone to Canada I can sms Moo -_-;) At first it was pretty normal. He was telling me that he was angry at Nini at dinner yesterday. Told him that it’s her bad point and we would have to live with it. Like it or not.

Out of the blue, he asked me ‘ Hwa, remember those sweet memories that you said you’ll keep? You can take them out again, if you want to. Cuz I think I wanna start a relationship with you.’ I was like ‘Woah.. and Aww’ He is such a weird funny sweet guy. Apparently Miss Gem was actually chatting with him online before. So, yeah, my two dear sweet friends helping out and all. LOVE U GUYS TO BITS~

I smsed Speed Dial no.6. He was like laughing his ass off. T-T *idiot* =_=; After that, he was like congratulating me and all. I told him, dun ask him till he tells you, so he was like OK~ Basically, my kengkawanz were all happy for me *smiles* Thanks guys…

Something to be saved for that someone special..

***Listening to Maria Mena 'You re the only one'***


Woah.. it's Friday and.. another week. I am now counting days till I have to leave the company. Another 7 more weeks before I really need to leave. It is pretty hard, because people here are actually pretty nice and all.. *but then again.. maybe just on the surface*

This is one week I feel totally disorientated, blurred and totally crazy. I learnt that someone could just take something away from you just like that if they want to.. it only depends if they want to or not.. That is why I think The Art of Butt Kissing should be included in college. hah~

Also learnt that the 'first' in everything should be saved for that someone important. Maybe it's just me.. Maybe I'm just shy (or stupid) and I can't bring myself to do something like that.. I thought, maybe at that time, that situation, I would.. but, I proved myself wrong.. I'm not sure if I should be happy o sad. hahah...

Sigh.. who should I save these things for? For a fact, the person I consider my someone special would not BE my someone special.. It's ok, not that I wanna force it, but I'm just wondering, how long more till I can actually let go.. It is really hard.. to cling on to something that doesn't even actually exist. It's like I'm over the edge of a cliff and I am just hanging there, holding on to a piece of root jutting out from the side of the cliff.. I do not want to feel that way!!! I refuse to and I do not want to.. but why am I still holding on to this?

Am I saving myself for that one person who I thought existed?

What the...

The first bomb has not sinked in yet and another one dropped.. Whoa.. this is like Pearl Harbour or something..

Less than 2 hours ago, my boss told me that I should look for another job. Hah.. how ironic.. I was just contemplating of changing jobs to being a writer. It's like my boss read my blog or something.. Scary.. this ESP sense of mine...

She gave me two months to look for another. Do not see it as her fault cuz I do not know what made her do this to me. From what I see, it is hard for her to say this to me also.. I din't wanna cry in front of her but in the end I did, cuz the tears just rolled out.. Not that I want to but can't squeeze them back. Really do NOT know what I did wrong this time cuz I did everything right and in time. Her reason was that the Client complained about me to her. Which was I find silly. Don't think she would fire me over 2 o 3 copy spelling mistakes. Somehow I feel that the ultimate bitch, the Creative Director, in the office has something to do with this. And my boss too, might not want me to work with her anymore, because she would have stood up for me if she would have wanted to.. I dunno.. Jst feel abit sad about the whole thing. Very disappointed at myself and I really do NOT want my parents to know that I got sacked. (or something.. Sigh, they wunt sack me cuz they would have to pay for me)

What a week I would say... There's just too many things that happened and I don't think I can cope with this anymore. I have done everything that I can.. My boss told me that it was hard for her to tell me this but it's easier to tell me straight.. maybe so.

Thank god for friends... I am so gonna get myself piss drunk tonight.. we are going to Barflam.. Thank God for speed dail number 6. Full support for me all the way. He didn't even ask what I did or anything.. love him to death for it. Told me that he would come back and whack that bitch for me *THANK YOU!!!* and sent me a 'Frame that bitch' card. Ahh... made my day a little better..


***where's my happy ending again?*****

Accidently in Love *NoT!* Where's my happy ending?

~Where is my happy ending? Princess Hwa laments.. When is Prince Charming coming over to pick me up in his shiny white Audi TT? she continues. The princess drops onto her bed, and cried out in despair, I am doomed to eternal loneliness, forever locked up in this doorless tower. *cue for lightning* ~

T-T I am so bored...Yeah.. back in office. Have a report to write but I rather do this. I think I should just quit my job and get funding to study the effects of blogging on office workers.. Isn't that fun? And when I do get money to do that research I would write a book on it. And during my book signing ceremony, this handsome, dashing rich man would ask me to print my lipmark on his page. He would then say he would want to return the favour by asking me out for dinner in this expensive french restaurant, where he would tell me that I have the most beautiful eyes and confess that..... he is gay and would need my advice on how to please his.... man. Ugh!

I think I have my career mapped out for me.. I should be a Jackie Collins type writer. Or maybe Virginia Andrews type, with incest and all.. Or maybe Sarah Jessica Parker Sex & the City style. Heh.. Gosh.. I can write up a nice one.. I already have all the materials I need in my head. I am such a bloody drama.

Anyhowz, it's a Tuesday morning. Very soon it'll be Wednesday. How time flies when you have nothing to do. =_=; I am talking crap again..

Oh.. Will be having my first outstation trip with my Client next month. Feeling quite nervous and at the same time, bored... cuz, dun think it would be fun at all.. hanging out with someone who is like 5 years o more older than me. T-T ah.. Time hurry up!!! Hurry up and let 2005 come~

~Suddenly the princess hears the mighty roar of engine, she runs from her bed to the only window of the lonely doorless tower. Down below, is a gleaming white Audi TT. Ah, she gasped, my prince is here to save me. Oh noble knight, this tower is enchanted and you have to bring the following items to break the curse!!! The princess was estatic... Oh prince, please do break the curse.. To repay your kindness, my father, the King would reward you handsomely!! You can have ANYTHING that you would want!!! Out of the gleaming white car, a man far more handsome and tall than any of the princess has seen stepped out. Ah, the princess swooned, this man has looks that rivals to Sir Bloom's. I want to be his wife and he can be the King of my father's kingdom!! The noble man looked towards the window where the princess was standing. The princess blushed, red as a beautiful rose. Fair princess, he said, if I am not too bold to ask.. Which way to the Mardi Gras? I am part of the Gay Pride parade. And the handsome sir can only hear a loud crash as the princess fell onto the floor. And she now lives happily ever after alone in the lonely tower with only one window in the middle of the woods~

Moral of the story is, no cute & rich men are straight in this world. If there is, come over and prove it to me!!! *sniggers*